“That’s what he said?” TJ huffed.
“I want to punch him in the face so badly.” Cass put his hand over my fist and gave a nervous snort. “Somehow I doubt that will help matters,” he told me.
“Besides,“ TJ added, “he’s my brother so I should get the privilege.”
We watched Cass roll his eyes at us, but there was a smile pulling at his mouth too, which was a relief. TJ had texted me that Cass had a rough day, so I gladly took the excuse to come over. I wanted to support him without crowding him, though I also needed to talk to him soon. It was going to be shit timing, but the fall was passing and my time to head to the Philippines was getting closer by the day. I took a deep breath as I looked into Cass’ eyes.
“What is it?” he asked, brow creasing. Damn, how did he see through me that easily? Did I put the discussion off or bite the bullet? “Hey, TJ, could you let us talk alone for a bit?”
He blinked, but nodded. “Sure. I’ll just heat something up for dinner.”
I smirked towards Cass. “That code for him calling somewhere for take-out.”
“I heard that!” he called from the kitchen. Cass and I chuckled as his footsteps sounded on the stairs to the basement.
“So, what is it?” Cass gave a half-hearted smirk. “Keep in mind, I’m already in a vulnerable state. So don’t be a jackass.”
My hand went to brush his cheek. “I’m sorry coming out as been so tough.”
I heard him pull in a deep breath. “Are you about to make it harder? Are you breaking up with me?”
“What? No.” I sighed. “But we do have to talk—I would’ve needed to soon anyway—because I do still have plans to go overseas towards the end of the year.”
His eyes darted away. “Right. I hadn’t exactly forgotten, but…haven’t thought about it either.”
“I suppose I could put it off until after Thanksgiving,” I said, without any forethought.
His eyes were back on me. “You’d do that?”
With a nod and a shrug, I told him, “I can look into changing the dates.” I knew I was just delaying the inevitable, but Cass appreciated it all the same.
“Thanks, Will.” Then he sealed his gratitude with a kiss—a kiss that would’ve turned into more, but pressed him back. “We probably shouldn’t get caught necking on TJ’s couch.”
To my relief, Cass chuckled instead of looking rejected. He was stronger at his age than I would’ve been, given the same set of circumstances. “You’re pretty amazing, you know that?”
For a moment he looked surprised, then he veiled it with a smirk. “Oh course,” he said with a shrug, “did it take you this long to figure that out?” I laughed with him and wanted so badly to tackle him down onto the couch cushions to tickle his body, then nuzzle him, then--
“I’m coming back up!” came TJ’s voice. Cass and I gave ourselves a bit of distance and TJ looked between us as he stepped into the doorway. “Everything ok?”
“Yep,” Cass replied easily. I didn’t know how he managed such an easy attitude, even if I knew a lot of it was just for show.
Sitting down in his armchair, TJ passed us some beer he’d brought up from the basement fridge. We talked for a bit, put on a movie, and ate the buffalo wings TJ had “made”. In short, we all kept everything light and did our best to forget the weightier issues hovering outside.
I definitely didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t really spent the night. Cass caught me as I making my way across the lawn to my car. “Hey, wait,” he called, snagging my arm. “I didn’t want to ask right in front of Uncle TJ, but,” he leaned in closer, “can I stay at your place? Not tonight. Not for days or anything. Just, sometimes this week?” He hovered his lips over my neck, just behind my ear. “I need you. Want you.”
Fuck he was direct. “Me too,” I breathed. “What about work?”
Cass pulled back. “Fuck work. I’m not going back.”
“No. Way.” His eyes leveled me. “You don’t know what those guys can be like. When I was in the closet, it was awkward enough. Now…” He shook his head, letting out a long, heavy breath. “I know I have to figure all my shit out, but, well, I can’t do it all in a night.”
I caught his chin in my fingers. “I know, Cass. For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing pretty damn good, considering everything.”
He opened his mouth, looking as if he was about to argue, then shut it. His face softened, “Does that mean I can spend the night?”
Unable to withhold my chuckle, I nodded, slanted my mouth against his, and told him, “Yeah, as long as TJ’s ok with it.”
I turned to unlock my car and could sense his frown without even looking back.
“Is that really necessary? He’s not my dad.”
“Nope, but you’re living in his house for the foreseeable future.” He scowled. “And he’s my best friend, I want to make sure he’s comfortable with us.”
“Fine,” Cass grumbled, but he bent down as I sat in the car and smothered my lips with a rough, wet kiss. “Sext me later,” he said with a wide grin, then turned and trot back to the house. Troublemaker.
I ended up having Alia with me most of the week, so Cass and I didn’t have much chance to be alone, though he came over to help watch her. Which was nice of him, really. Except…though I didn’t want to admit it, his presence made certain things more difficult. Alia was fine with me, but she adored Cass. Sometimes that was a big help. If, say, I had to cook for us, she didn’t come toddling into the kitchen while I had a hot stove on or water boiling. In turn, I had to deal with her turning her nose up at the food—unless Cass passed the plate to her, or feed her, or promised to play with her after. Who knew rejection from a kid could be so infuriating?
Cass tried to help, but every time he tried to pass her over or leave early Alia lost her shit and started screaming. I would be leaving in less than two months, for the entire winter, so Alia’s rebuffs shouldn’t mean anything. I should’ve been happy she wouldn’t care when I left. Why wasn’t it that easy?
I couldn’t deny that part of my irritability was the fact I wanted to cling to Cass just as much as she did, and I didn’t like the feeling that part of me was going to remain here when I left for my trip. Leaving Nate behind was tough, but he understood and we found ways to work it out, usually. With Cass, for whatever reason, it was different.
By the time the next week had come around and we still hadn’t been able to make any time alone together, we were both frustrated. Lately, TJ had Cass helping with upkeep and repairs on the house that he’d been meaning to get to for years, which worked out for them both. TJ obviously got the help he needed, and Cass was able to contribute and feel he was more of an asset than a burden. Secretly, I thought TJ was also keeping Cass busy so he wouldn’t have as much time to come over.
That Friday night he managed to slip away, though, and I wasn’t even sitting Alia. A very promising start to the evening. My heart did a ridiculous skip when I heard Cass’ knock at the door. When I opened it, however, he looked beat.
“Hey,” I said, taking his wrist and leading him in, “get inside here. Miss you.”
“Miss you too.” His arms came around me and he breathed in. I pulled him over to the couch. I wasn’t sure what had him so gloomy, so I took a guess.
“No word from your dad?” I asked.
Cass shook his head.
“I’m sorry,” I said, though I’m not sure I was. If Doug was determined to be a jackass, best for there to be a clean break between the two of them.
“Honestly, it wouldn’t be that big a deal, but…” He paused, staring at his hands between his legs. “This weekend is kind of, well, for lack of a better word, the ‘anniversary’ of my mom leaving.”
“We usually go out together. Used to get food, last couples years we got shitfaced.” He shrugged. “It’s weird not to hear from him. To think we spend the day apart.”
Biting my lip, I had to ask, “Do you want to call him?”
“No,” he snapped, then shook his head. “I don’t know.”
I did the only thing I could and put my arm around him to hold him against me. He nuzzled into my chest like a cat. “This sucks,” he mumbled.
“It does.” Leaning in, I dropped a kiss over his head. I would’ve thought consoling him this way might’ve been awkward, but having him in my arms, trusting me to smooth his heartache, it reached something in me and gave me a sense of warmth I’d never had before.
We stayed that way for a long time, letting the quiet stillness wash over us as we held one another. Eventually, Cass straightened and stretched out his back.
“Doing ok?” I asked kissing his cheek.
“Yeah. I’ll call him tomorrow.” He moved his shoulder and cracked his neck. “Can we watch something and have a drink?”
With a laugh, I nodded. “And dinner. I’ve got some pasta I can make quick.”
“Sounds good. Drink first, though.”
I stood to do my man’s bidding. After putting water on to boil, I grabbed us a couple pilsners.
“Here you go.” I handed him the beer, and moved to my DVD rack. “What are you in the mood for?”
I glanced at my merger collection, wondering what might lift the heavy atmosphere.
“Hey, Will?” Cass asked behind me.
“When’s the anniversary of Nate’s death?”
Now that I had not been expecting. The question took me totally off guard. “Um, May. Why do you ask?” I turned around to see him spread his hand.
“I don’t know. Just realized I didn’t know it. I guess I already missed it this year.”
Missed it? Why was he talking like this? “What do you mean?”
His thoughts kept going on without me. “Well, we could still go together. Maybe before you leave. Before the holidays.”
Cass finally saw my confused look. “I don’t understand. What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Well, I can go to his grave with you, if you want.”
“Why would I go with you?”
“No, why would you assume I go in the first place?”
“Haven’t you before?”
“How do you expect to move past his death if you don’t acknowledge it?” As he sat there on the sofa looking at me, eyes earnest but unknowing, he suddenly struck me as very young, and very unworldly—which rarely was the way I viewed him.
“Stop trying to psychoanalyze me. I don’t go to graves, ok? I don’t go to my father’s grave.”
His eyes widened, looking at me like I was crazy. “Never?”
“Why are you obsessed with this?” I could feel myself losing my temper, but he was really pushing my buttons and I didn’t see why he had to make a damn issue out of this.
“Do you ever ask yourself why you don’t go?”
“It’s just not something my family does. My Mom’s never took us to my dad’s grave. It wasn’t a big deal. I don’t go now because I’m not in the habit.”
Cass was shaking his head. “No wonder you have such trouble with all this.”
What the hell? I was the one having troubles? “Cass, what I don’t need right now is you making whatever assumptions you’re making about my life. I know you have a lot going on that you probably don’t want to think about right now, but don’t avoid dealing with that by trying to analyzing me, got it?”
He looked at me in a penetrating way that was much too perceiving for a person of 23—but he still was only 23, and he had a lot to learn.
“The fact the topic pisses you off is a sign I’m getting close to the truth,” he pushed.
“What is this? The X Files? You want the truth? I’d like you to leave now.”
That hit him hard, and I immediately regretted it. Only I didn’t know how to backtrack.
The moment he was gone, I was picking up my phone.
“Hi Will, what’s up?”
“Hey, TJ. Can we, huh, talk?” This wasn’t the kind of thing I usually asked. There was a pause on his end, then a reassuring, “Sure, man. When and where?”
“Uh, morning,” I managed, staying safe in the doorway.
Uncle TJ sighed and set down his mug. “For christ’s sake, come and sit down. I’m annoyed, not mad.” I stepped over slowly to the coffee maker first, and didn’t miss when TJ sent a side glare at Will and muttered, “You, friend, are another matter.”
Will just snorted and gave a smirk, which unwound something inside me. He probably knew TJ better than anyone else, so if Will could relax, I guess I could too. With a hot mug in hand, I sat down between them. “Well, this is awkward,” I said before taking a sip. Will nearly spit out his coffee and TJ shook his head, but they both chuckled.
“Way to break the morning-after ice,” Will said, patting my shoulder as he coughed.
Uncle TJ rolled his eyes. “Lord, you two are going to be trouble together.”
“I am sorry,” I said. Fucking in a guest bed really had been rude, no matter what a state I’d been in.
TJ shook his head again and squeezed my shoulder. “I’ll let it slide this time, but—and you’re making me age as I say this—there’s rules if you stay in this house. First is no overnight guests.” It was a fair rule for me, but his eyes were on Will as he spoke.
“Yes, sir.” I gave a mock salute and earned a snort. Then we just drank our coffee, in a little circle at the table. The situation felt oddly…domestic. Maybe that wasn’t the right word. Sitting there drinking coffee with two other guys in the quiet of the morning felt mature, adult. A little boring, but good.
“What are you grinning about?” asked Will.
“How you guys are sitting there nursing your coffees like a couple old men.”
“Ah!” Will laughed.
“We’re not old.” Will straightened his back with a playful glint in his eye. “We’re mature.”
“So says the old guy.”
“Did you just call my nephew a wiener?”
Will grinned. “Yep.”
“And on that note, I’m going to get dressed and watch the morning news.”
Will chuckled as TJ left and then it was just us. The air pressure shift, warmer with a touch of electricity.
“You feeling ok?” Will sounded so concerned, I had to smile.
“You kidding?” I chuckled. Aside from putting on an audio show for Uncle TJ, us fucking had been one of the single best moments I could remember as an adult.
“Yesterday was, well, rough for you. I just want to be sure you weren’t overwhelmed by what happened between us.”
I reached a hand up and cupped his cheek. “No. It was just what I needed.”
“Ok.” The anxiousness eased from his eyes as he stood. “Why don’t I make breakfast before I have to go?”
“Do you have to leave already?” He nodded, which I almost missed since he was bent over looking into the contents of the fridge, and his fine ass was staring right at me. I gave him a quick smack.
“Don’t be a tease.”
Will lifted a carton of eggs. “Yeah, ‘cause scrambled eggs are hot, huh?”
“Your ass bent over to get them is,” I replied, earning a blush. Oh, that was priceless, he needed to do that more often. Then he cleared his throat.
“Um, yeah. Anyway, breakfast. Eggs, toast…?”
I hopped from my chair to one of TJ’s cabinets and pulled a box out. “Eggs and cereal!”
With a burrowed brow, Will said, “That’s sugar cereal. It’s dessert at best, not breakfast.”
I clutched my chest. “Blasphemy!” That earned a laugh and, ignoring my pain, Will turned around and began cracking eggs.
“What are you two arguing about?” TJ asked, towel drying his hair.
“I thought you were watching TV.” I eyed him suspiciously. He had a sixth sense when it came to his cereal.
“Shower, then dress, TV—and cereal first.” He snagged the box from my hand.
“Kill joy. I get it after you.”
“Oh, you think so?”
Will looked over his shoulder and shook his head at us.
“Come on, Uncle TJ.”
Grabbing the milk and a bowl, TJ maneuvered around Will and sat down. “What ya gonna do for it?”
I folded my arms. “No way. I’m an adult now.”
“Suit yourself.” With that TJ shrugged and filled his bowl. Will piled a heap of scrambled eggs onto a plate. How had he cooked them so fast?
“I could have a beer for breakfast if I wanted, you know.”
That made them both chuckle. TJ just started eating and told me with food in his mouth, “Not if it’s my beer. Still sure you want to stay here?” He was teasing, but the words took the wind out of my sails.
I sat down and grabbed a fork for the eggs. “It is ok I stay for a while, right?”
TJ looked at me like I’d grown another head. “Of course.” He paused as Will took a share of the eggs onto his own plate. “And grab a bowl, ya sulky kid. You get cereal.”
I grinned and grabbed a bowl, pushing it over to him and hopping around.
Will chuckled. “What’s all this about?”
“Oh, Dad won’t buy this stuff. I was never allowed to eat it, but TJ would sneak it to me sometimes.”
“Did he?” Will gave TJ a lopsided grin.
“Oh, shut it,” TJ threw at his look.
“And what did you make you do to earn it?”
“Usually he made me sing one of the songs from Annie,” I scoffed, snagging my now-full bowl.
“And dance,” TJ added. I muttered, “Bastard,” and tucked into my sugary bowl of bliss.
Will just smiled, enjoying himself, until he had to clean up and head out. I stopped him before he left and pulled him close. “Yours tonight? Can I stay over?”
His eyes had more concern than desire, which annoyed me, but I tried to be understanding as he gave my cheek a kiss and replied, “I want to, but let’s see how the day goes, ok?”
I blew out a breath and nodded. “Alright. I’d rather wrap myself around you like a snake and remind you of all the reasons for me spending the night at yours, but…I’ll refrain. See how mature I am?”
With a laugh, Will left to pick up his niece. I’d talked with him right after breakfast about his plan for today and offered to watch Alia with him. He’d almost said yes, but then stopped himself. “I have to take her out with me to run errands. Having you with me would be fun, but…it’s Sunday. I’m guessing Doug’s been to church, and he may have told people about your situation. So maybe it’s a good idea to relax today before facing judgmental strangers?”
Though I was damn skeptical that would happen, I definitely didn’t want to deal with that if it did. So, I sucked it up and stayed in the house with TJ. He did his best to entertain. More movie marathons. Homemade pizza. Video games.
I had to admit, he managed to get my mind of off things—both Will and my Dad. The good and the bad.
Unfortunately, things didn’t stay that simple. In the early evening, before we were about to start the pizzas and after I’d beaten his butt on Mario Cart, I went to the basement to grab us some beers. As I was stepping up the stairs, I heard voices. Not strangers, it was TJ and another voice I immediately recognized. Dad. Good grief.
“Doug, why don’t you give both you and Cass some time?”
“I need your help, TJ.” TJ sighed. A chair scraped the kitchen floor. “Let’s talk out in the back, Doug.”
Dad, predictably, ignored him.
“Is that bastard here?”
“Your pal, Will.” I heard Dad’s St. Michael necklace jingle as he must’ve shaken his head. “I knew from the start that son of a bitch was trouble.”
“Look,” TJ returned, a bit sharply, “if you want to talk, that’s fine. Let’s just do it out back.”
“I don’t know what to do, TJ. I don’t know where I went wrong with him.”
Besides kicking me out? I bit my tongue. I wanted to hear what he’d say.
“You didn’t ‘go wrong’, because there’s nothing wrong with Cass. He’s a damn good kid. A good man.”
“But…this lifestyle he’s chosen.”
TJ let out a long breath, mirroring the exasperation I felt rising inside me.
“It’s not a ‘lifestyle’. It’s about love.”
“It’s about sodomy. It’s about sin.”
“I don’t think it is. A lot of people don’t think it is.”
“Look, the Bible is pretty clear on this.”
“It’s pretty clear on not eating shellfish, but that doesn’t slow you down at Red Lobster.”
“I’m serious about this!”
“So am I!” TJ shot back with some heat. “Cass isn’t hurting anyone. He’s not breaking any of the ten commandments. He’s just a kid who’s kind and thoughtful and who loves you.”
Dad sighed now. “I don’t know. I can’t approve of this.”
“Hate to break it to you, but Cass is grown now, he’s going to do a lot of things you don’t approve of. If it wasn’t this, it would be something else.”
“Why does it have to be this, though? My own son, a fag.”
“Don’t use that word.”
But he had used it, and it speared me through the chest. I’d heard it before and shrugged it off, but coming from my old man, yeah, it fucking hurt.
“What am I supposed to do, TJ? Let him bring men home and fuck them under my roof?” He was on a rant now, his temper stoked, and every word hit me like shrapnel.
“Jesus, Doug! Would you let him screw girlfriends at home? No. So don’t take things there.”
A long pause descended. I let my forehead rest on the wall beside me. I couldn’t slip away without being heard, but I really didn’t want to hear anymore.
TJ broke the stand-off. “Look, Cass wants what you want—he wants love and support. He deserves it. No one’s free of sin. I don’t think loving men is one, but even if you believe that—“
“Even if you believe that,” TJ pushed on, “it doesn’t mean you should reject your own son.” Even from around the corner I felt Uncle TJ pause before he said, “You’ve done the best you could, Doug, but you haven’t been a perfect father. Cass isn’t a perfect kid, but he sure as hell took the reins when Margaret left, didn’t he?”
“Don’t bring that up!”
“It needs to be said!”
Fuck, I hated shouting.
“She left you both. She was a Christian and she always had her Bible on hand, but she left you. She left her husband and her son. So what if Cass doesn’t hold to everything in the damn Bible? He’s been there for you. He was dealing with being abandoned by his own mother and somehow managed to help his dad through losing his wife!”
“We’re done here.” I heard Dad’s chair scrape back, heard the gravel in his voice.
“Damn straight we are,” TJ muttered as footsteps headed toward the front door.
I let out a breath, but softly. Though I didn’t think TJ knew I was around the corner, I sure as hell didn’t need him finding out—or acknowledging it, if he knew. So taking a breath and pulling everything inside, I started up the stairs again, calling out, “Got the beer! Might have started without you!” Then I chuckled as I handed him his beer.
“Great,” TJ said, trying for cheerful and managing strained. “Let’s get the pizzas going!”
The rest of the night was uneventful. Monday was downright boring, since I called off work. For the foreseeable future. The site manager was less than pleased with me, to put it mildly. But I preferred taking his ranting and cursing over budgets and timelines than the silence—or slights—about my personal sexuality. The situation of basically being unemployed did put my future plans into high relief, though. I could hardly stay with TJ forever and staying with Will wasn’t an option. Our relationship was too new, too unsure. I wasn’t certain where that left me; I just knew my future was in my hands and no one else’s.
A knock came at the door Monday afternoon. TJ wasn’t due home for another hour and I hadn’t heard from Will. Maybe he thought I needed time to myself to ponder matters over. Maybe he was busy with Alia. No, the one text he had sent was asking if I could help watch her later in the week. I guess Uncle TJ had clued him in that I wasn’t working.
In any case, as much as I wished that he was the one at the door, that was unlikely.
“Son, are you there?” came Dad’s voice through the door. At least there weren’t any windows beside the door and he couldn’t see inside. It gave me time to gather myself before finally stepping up to the door. Jesus, he must’ve left work early to get here before TJ. He never did that.
When I finally opened the door between us, Dad stood there, shifting on his feet. He look as discomfited as I’d ever seen him. Good, that made two of us.
“Dad.” I didn’t invite him in.
“Son.” Wringing his hands, he asked. “Can we talk?”
I supposed we had to, but for some reason I didn’t want him inside the house.
“Fine. Let’s go to the truck.”
He blinked as I shut the door and stepped passed him. To his credit, he merely nodded and followed me, not remarking on the snub.
I took my place in the passenger seat beside the driver. Being there, the place I’d sat on countless mornings and evenings exhausted and spinning my brain over how to come out to him, felt completely foreign now that I had. If I’d felt like an imposter before, somehow it was worse now. Now I knew what he really thought of me. A sinner, someone who was sick and depraved. Christ, my own father.
“How are you, Cassidy?”
I looked over at him, barely having heard the door close behind him.
“You want the honest answer?”
He shrugged, eyes leaving mine as I felt him grow defensive. “I’m asking, aren’t I? I’m here.”
“Fine. It’s a bit crap.”
When he nodded, I wondered if he actually understood. “I thought it might be.” He took a breath. “That’s why I’m here.”
Not knowing what to make of this, I simply sat back and waited. It didn’t take him long to go on.
“I hope you know I just want the best for you, son.” My eyes narrowed. He kept his eyes on the steering wheel. “And I wish you had told me everything earlier, and privately. Maybe we could’ve handled all this better.”
Now his eyes came up. “Yes, better. For starters, you hid a huge part of your life from me. I don’t even know how long all this has been happening, or how it started. You pushed me out of your life and I didn’t even know it.”
The conversation was veering into muddled waters. I tried to think of how to reply, but he went on. “Do you understand what you put me through? Are you even sorry for what you’ve done?”
“Excuse me? What have I done?”
“You lied to me, son. God only knows for how long.”
“You DID!” He paused enough to gather his breath before moving on. “A lie of omission is still a damn lie.” He raked a hand over his face. “Cass, I love you. I just want to do right by you, help you.”
I had to strain myself to hold back a groan. He went on.
“If you were doing drugs, I’d push you to go to rehab and lock you in your room until you detoxed.”
“And now?” I had to admit, I thought he’d just toss me out and be done. I wasn’t sure which was worse, being told you were weren’t loved for being who you are, or being told you are loved for being someone you’re not.
“You have a choice, son. We all have choices. God knows I made enough mistakes when I was your age. I wish my own dad had cared enough to say something, to stop me. He just used his fists to do the talking.”
I blinked. This was news. I didn’t really know what to make of it. I knew grandpa was rough with him, but Uncle TJ had never mentioned anything like this. I was still processing the info when he went on.
“So I’ll give you time to make your choices. The right ones.”
“What if I choose a path you don’t approve of?”
“It’s not my approval you should be worried about, but the lord’s.”
Of course. The lord’s.
“And…?” I prodded.
“If you want to choose sin, son, there isn’t much I can do. You’ll have to go your own way then. But the door will always be open for you to come back, and join me and god again.”
Well, shit. What was I supposed to do with that?
“Will? I need you over here.”
I blinked at the quiet seriousness of TJ’s tone. “Ok, but my car was acting up today, I’ll have to walk. Might take me fifteen minutes or so.”
“That’s fine. Just be here soon as you can, ok?”
“TJ, what the hell’s going on?”
He gave an excruciatingly heavy sigh then said, “Cass came out to Doug. As you can imagine, it didn’t go well. He’s here now and—”
“I’ll be right there.”
My walk was a run and I made it to TJ’s in record time.
The second I walked in the door I saw TJ on one end of the couch and Cass on the other. The TV was on low and they’d both been staring into space, until I walked in. Cass looked up, but didn’t come to me. He looked like hell.
“I told you not to call him,” he mumbled, shooting a look at TJ.
“I have to go do… something.”
I stepped into his path. “Don’t push me away.”
Finally, he looked up, his face hard. “Damn you, why’d you have to come here?” he snapped, voice cracking. “I was holding it together, but…” Cass gripped and crumpled my shirt as he shook his head. “I was going to tough this out. I can’t… if you’re here…”
“Too bad, then. I’m not going anywhere.”
Giving what sounded like a half snort, half bitter chuckle, he threw his arms around me and broke into sobs. TJ got up, gave me a relieved nod, and left us. I pulled Cass tight.
“You staying here?”
“Okay. Why don’t we go to whatever room you’re staying in?”
“I think pizza’s coming,” he said, voice muffled against my shirt.
“’Kay, let’s sit here then.”
And that’s what we did, just sat, and then ate, while TJ looked on with features tight with concern. Once we’d all had a beer or two, the tension eased up, though I knew TJ well enough to sense his displeasure—thankfully with Doug and not myself, despite the fact I followed Cass into the guest room with obvious intentions to stay the night.
“Cass, you haven’t said much,” I told him, closing the door behind us. “And you don’t have to. I just want to know if you’re alright.”
Pulling off his shirt and cargo shorts, Cass said nothing, but he stepped in front of me and put his arms around my neck. Then he shook his head. “I’m not ok,” he said in a voice muffled by my shirt. “I will be…eventually.”
There wasn’t much to say to that—reassurances would ring hollow—so I simply held him tighter. Eventually, he sighed and grew lax in my arms. “I’m tired.” Turning, he threw back the comforter and, after shucking off his cargo shorts, flopped into the bed. Then patted the space next to him.
I pulled off my jeans, laid down, and Cass was immediately burrowing into me—head in the dip of my shoulder, one leg thrown over mine, one hand gripping my own.
That was how we stayed most of the night. Cass was asleep within seconds, the toll of the day overtaking him. Sleep didn’t come as easily to me; my mind liked to spin.
This was a damn big step for Cass, coming out to a parent, and I hoped he’d done it voluntarily. Maybe tomorrow I could get the whole story from him. Thank heaven it was Sunday and he didn’t have to deal with work. Christ, that would be a whole other issue.
Would Doug out him? Given how “sinful” he felt it was, probably not—but you never knew with these things. When people were hurt and confused, they did stupid things.
I blew out a breath. There wasn’t anything I wanted more than to be Cass’ protector. Sadly, that wasn’t what either of us needed. Cass had to fight his own battles and we both had our own paths to tread.
My mind flashed a vision of Cass forging ahead with someone else at his side and I almost growled. Wow. Not good. I was leaving, I reminded myself. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to continue this relationship, but I had no idea how Cass would deal with my absence—especially now. As proud as I was of Cass coming out, the timing was awful. I didn’t want to leave or hurt him.
Looking down at his head in the crook of my shoulder, my breath tightened. We had to talk. We would. Right now, though, he needed stability. There was time yet. Besides, hadn’t he seen my plane tickets already? He knew the deal.
Taking deep, steady breaths, I forced my body into a calmer place, and was just nodding off when I felt Cass shifting beside me. His lips ghosted over my neck before he pushed my shirt aside to nip my collarbone.
“You awake?” he breathed against my skin.
I chuckled. “Am now.”
“Put your hands on me,” he demanded in a quiet voice, and I remembered exactly whose house we were in now.
“Cass…” I put my hands on his arms to nudge him back, but all I could do was give a gentle squeeze. “Wait.”
His head came up in the dark. There was just enough moonlight through the blinds to see the confusion on his face. “Why?”
Lord, I felt like a teenager again with parents in the other room.
“This probably isn’t the best place for this.”
“It’s late,” he said, kissing my chest between words, “and Uncle TJ is a deep sleeper.”
I groaned. “Still…” It was difficult to form words when his hard body was atop mine, with the scent of him drifting over me. The fact he’d had a shit day should’ve made me pause, put space between us—make him settle down and sleep. Instead, all I could think of was how he’d been hurt by someone who should love him unconditionally, and that made me want to wrap him up against me and give him pleasure until he forgot the crappy world around him and everything in it. I wanted to fill his mind and body, make him glow, make him feel as special and amazing as he really was.
“Will,” he said softly, “I need you tonight. We’ve waited so long, I can’t…” His voice broke and I could feel my heart break with it. I couldn’t say no to him—not now, not when he needed it the most.
Palming his face, I nodded. “Ok.”
His moonlit smile sent a thrill through me.
“What do you need, babe?” I asked, because that was the crucial question here. What could I give him that he needed most?
“I need to be yours.”
That sounded wonderful, but… “You gotta be more specific.”
With a sigh and a pout, he tilted his head and told me, “Specific, huh? Fuck me.” Then he leaned up over me and kissed my mouth. “That work for you?”
I gave a happy laugh and squeezed his ass as he straddled me. Then he paused. “But, umm,” he said, “I don’t have much experience with this.”
I blinked. “You’re not…?”
“No,” he chuckled, “I’m not a virgin—but I’ve only been on the receiving end once before and, well, it wasn’t so great.” Instantly, I wanted to know what had happened, if he’d been hurt. Cass wasn’t interested in dwelling on the past, though. His arms moved around my neck, his lips brushing mine. “But with you,” he said, “god, I want you inside me. Need you inside me.”
A painful groan escaped me. Any time I’d entered a guy for his first time (and it had been a while, of course), I’d always felt I was deflowering him—which had been an honor and amazing—but painting over unpleasant memories of a bad first time? That was a whole other challenge, and one I’d take seriously even if this wasn’t Cass I was with. But it was Cass, and what was more, he was in a vulnerable emotional state already. He was going to need guidance and I would need patience.
“Cass,” I started, “you’ve had a rough day. Tonight might not be—” My voice left me as a hand slipped beneath my boxers to palm my cock, which was already hard.
“You were saying?”
“That’s unfair.” My voice barely made it past my lips, my hips were already swaying into him. Maybe I wasn’t going to be the one orchestrating this after all.
“All’s fair in love and sex.”
I grinned. “I think that’s a misquote.”
“Shut up,” he said, grinning back at me. Then, leaning over, he kissed me silent.
His lips against mine took my breath away. As I put my arms about him, our bodies moved in synced; lips swaying in rhythm, mouths locked and tongues entwined. The unfulfilled hunger between us finally able to be quenched.
When we broke apart, it was only to toss our shirts aside. I quickly yanked off my boxers as well, though Cass kept his for the moment. That was fine. We could take this a step at a time. Though when our bare chests came together…
“Oh, yesss,” Cass hissed. I shushed him, but I felt it too, an electric current buzzing between us as we touched. Both of us had a sparse scattering of chest hair, and I sighed as Cass nuzzled against my belly. “You’ve got a treasure trail,” he said, kissing along the line of course hair.
“My ‘jewels’ are hardly hidden,” I chuckled as my cock twitched.
With a smile and a happy sigh, he rubbed a cheek over my hip and slid his hand lightly over my shaft. Though I didn’t want to push him into anything, it was torture having his mouth so close but not over my cock. My hips thrust up without my consent and Cass chuckled.
“I’m teasing you, aren’t I?”
“Uh, yeah, just a little,” I breathed.
Shifting up, Cass looked down at me with suddenly somber eyes. “Thank you for staying here.”
“Not exactly a chore to be with you like this,” I told him, brushing fingers along his chin. He leaned down then, kissing me deeply before he swung a leg over my shoulders.
“Let’s both help us get ready for more,” he said, then dropped his hot mouth over my cock. I gasped, took hold of the lovely prick above me, and licked and sucked the best I could in my position. Looked like Cass enjoyed taking the lead sometimes. That was fine—but by the time I was fit to burst, I had to nudge him off me. His cock had been heavy and musky in my mouth and I’d loved it. The position hadn’t been ideal, though, and I was pushing past the point of no return. The last thing I wanted to do was rush him, so I needed to start prepping him now.
“Will,” Cass said with a surprised breathlessness as I moved him down to the bed and hovered over his hips. “You’re so… I can’t believe we’re finally alone together this way.”
That made two of us. Peppering his face and neck with kisses, I said against his skin, “You’re beautiful, Cass. I’m so happy to be here.” His thighs spread wider as I settled over him and good god, I’d never felt anything so perfect.
“Let me take care of you,” I told him, gliding a finger down between his full cheeks. With a gasp and a nod, he allowed me to press my face into his most sensitive, secret places. And from the moan he gave when I licked the tight bud of his ass, he’d never been explored that way before, which made the whole situation more heady—and far more special.
Slowly, gently, I pressed the blunt tip of my finger inside him, all the while rimming that sweet hole of his. The tremor the move sent through him made me lightheaded. A hand tangled in my hair and pressed my face more firmly against him, and I loved every moment. His insistence, his scent, his movements.
But lord, I wouldn’t last long at this rate.
Apparently we were on the same page. “I need more,” he ground out in a labored, hushed voice. Along with his words, he pushed his ass down, impaling my finger deeper inside. “More,” he groaned.
I obeyed. First two, then three fingers moved inside him. By that point we were both sweating with anticipation and need.
Moving up over him, I asked, “How would you be most comfortable?”
Cass gave a little groan and bit his lip. “Dunno. Haven’t done this much before, remember?”
True. What I didn’t tell him was that I’d never bottomed myself. Ever.
“Maybe easiest if you stay there,” I said, “and let me do the work.” I grinned and kissed the crook of his shoulder as I spoke and he wrapped his arms around me. “Mmm. Sounds good. Get to work then, huh?”
Dipping down to lick a nipple—which I would guess was another first from the way he jumped and moaned—I stroked his length. “Condom?” I asked.
“Oh, shit. Right! Hang on.”
He was young and he was gay, I had faith he’d have one. Though the fact he’d almost forgotten surprised me.
“Here.” He shoved a wrapper into my hand that he’d grabbed from somewhere—bedside table maybe? I didn’t let myself wonder, I simply rolled the protection onto my weeping cock and leaned back over him, kissing him, relaxing him.
As his muscles eased, I guided my cock to his portal and pushed. He tensed.
“I’ve got you,” I assured him, dropping kisses over his shoulders and chest. “Open up for me.” His body trembled—with anticipation or nerves, I wasn’t sure—and I nudged the head of my cock inside him. We both gasped.
“Are you ok?” I asked at the same moment he grabbed my hips and groaned, “Don’t stop there, please.”
I had to take a breath so I wouldn’t blow right then and there, and eased further inside him. His face, with eyes shut tight and cheeks flushed, was beautiful. All our earlier playfulness melted away as we melded our bodies together.
“Will…” he breathed, and his voice went straight to my heart.
“Cass.” I kissed his mouth and nipped a shoulder as I felt him trying to adjust to the feeling of my cock so deep inside him. As we settled against one another, I noticed my knee creeping to the edge of the bed. ”I’m falling off the bed over here. I need to shift.”
“Ok, just…move slow.”
I inched left and he sucked in a breath. “Not so fast!” That was easier said than done; he felt my movement when I barely twitched, sensitive thing he was. And with my legs tucked under his and my thighs spread to there limit, it would’ve been easier for me to just pull out and then get ourselves positioned better.
“No! Don’t move away! Please!” Cass begged when I leaned back. His hands gripped my ass again and he pushed himself down on my cock.
Well, hell. I wasn’t going anywhere. I could handle being a bit uncomfortable for this. For him.
“God, you’re so big.”
“Size queen?” I teased.
He drew in a shuddering breath. “Shut up.” I adjusted my hips more comfortably and he hissed. “I can feel every move you make…inside me.”
Christ, he was sensitive. Which only make my cock ache to plunder him, but I had better restraint than that…barely.
Cass took a breath then dug his fingers into my ass and demanded, “I need you. Move.”
I started slow, and he rocked with me. This needed to be good for him, and no matter how overwhelmed I was and how much I wanted to thrust hard, I was going to take my time.
His arms clutched me tight and he lifted his legs. “More.” God, yes.
Everywhere our skin we touched felt shaken and electric, as if a storm was blowing about me, thrilling every nerve even as it threatened to shatter me apart. And the irony that he needed to feel wanted didn’t escape me. He had no idea how much I needed him, did he?
“Yes, Will!” His fingers gripped and clawed at me and I’d never felt so encompassed by another. He was the one opening me up. Somehow, the way he allowed himself to be so vulnerable with me now, during one of the hardest times of his life, triggered something within myself as well. I wanted to do the same with him, and with every thrust I felt myself breaking open.
Sex had been good with Nate, but it had never been like this. I couldn’t remember Nate ever laying himself this naked. I hadn’t either.
Cass began to shove himself down on my shaft and I clutch his hips with a gasp. I saw him smile at that, and I was more than happy to let him enjoy himself and how he could make me squirm. Something struck me deep in the chest as he grasped my hand.
“Go away!” I shouted, not giving a shit about anything or anyone but Cass and his pleasure. There were mumbles then footsteps fading.
“Will!” he breathed, wrapped around me in every way. “Harder—I want to feel you for days!”
I gasped for air as his words struck it from me. My face buried in his neck as I held him cradled to me and I could do nothing but obey him. “Jesus,” I muttered, slamming home inside him. All I could think of was if and when we could do this without barriers, of when I could fill him with my cream.
My body burned, running toward the edge and glowing with a fire I hadn’t felt since… since when? Had I ever? Cass did something to me, reached inside me to places I hadn’t known were numb until he woke them. And every time our bodies pushed together, we trembled and soared on a storm filled sea.
“Will! Oh, yes!”
Then the waters took me under and I came without warning or effort, my orgasm filling and flooding me. In the wake of that blissful storm, with Cass echoing his climax in my ears, I felt wrecked, scattered to pieces and left to bask on the calm shore. Hollowed out and new.
The emotion, and what it meant, was as peaceful as it was frightening, because this was not what I had expected, and I sure as hell wasn’t ready for it.
We lay in a heap for a while, breathing, recovering. I managed to toss the condom wrapper in the trash next to the bed, but not much else.
“Wow, I thought for sure I’d explode first.” Cass chuckled.
“Your youth must be rubbing off on me.”
“That’s not the only thing I’m rubbing off on you.”
I grinned over at him, my worries falling away—for the moment anyway. I loved this playfulness of his, and it was especially fun after sex. And after the day he’d had, I was damn glad to see him smile. Too many people made sex too serious. Hell, I’d been one of those people myself. But there was something special in a lover that could laugh with you.
“Hang on,” Cass said, hopping up from the bed and slipping out of the room. A short while later, I heard the toilet flush and he came back into bed, though he buried his face in the sheets.
“What’s this? You can’t be shy now,” I chortled.
“It’s embarrassing,” came his muffled voice.
His head lifted slightly, “That getting fucked made me have to take a huge shit.”
I had to bury my face in the pillow to stifle my laughter, because that was both fucking cute and damn hilarious.
“It’s not funny!” But he was laughing with me. After we’d collected ourselves, Cass pressed in close against me, our damp, naked skin against each other, and told me, “I’ve never done that before.”
“Which part? The crapping after sex?”
He sat up enough to punch my arm. “No, I came with barely touching my cock.” He lay back down and put his hands over his face. “God, you’re good.”
I laughed, happy to see him smile, delighted to see him embarrassed. Kissing his hands, I pulled them away to smother his mouth. “You’re amazing.”
Hell, the whole night had been amazing. The next morning, however, not so much.
I woke before Cass, thankfully, and went to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee, only to find one already made, and TJ at his kitchen table. He was sipping slowly and watching me with narrow eyes.
I was familiar with his moods, so I just helped myself to a mug and stayed silent.
The moment I sat at the table he said in chiseled words, “Did you have a good night?”
I studied him, took a sip, and nodded. “I did. Cass had an even better one. You gonna take issue with it?”
With a sigh, he deflated, but his annoyance, and protectiveness, was still there. “No, I don’t…but…” His voice changed tone and his eyes focused over my shoulder. “No more overnight visits.”
Turning, I saw Cass frozen in the doorway.
“Come sit down, son.”
Those were the first words I heard as I walked into my house. In the morning. After being out all Friday night.
The sad part was Will and I hadn’t even had time together. I’d woken up with a blanket over me on the couch and his hand on my shoulder.
“Hey, sorry but I have to get Alia back to Kate this morning, and you should probably head home, huh?”
It took me a moment for my mind to catch up. “Shit,” I’d said, abruptly sitting up. “Sorry, sure. I’m up.”
Will had offered me coffee and hadn’t rushed me, but I’d tried to move quickly. When I got home I was still feeling a bit foggy headed and hearing Dad’s voice—in that tone—right off the bat made my stomach sink.
All I could do was nod and sit while Dad offered me coffee, eggs, and toast. That was pretty much the most he ever cooked. I couldn’t even imagine how painful a discussion he planned if he’d cooked.
“So,” he began after we’d been eating a few minutes, “you were out again, this time the whole night.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry I—”
“Lost track of time?” he said, surprising me with a friendly smirk.
“Look, Cass, I’m not mad.”
“I’m not stupid either.” He shrugged. “I know how it is, when you’re young.”
Oh god, where was he heading with this?
“I’m not sure…” I started.
“Son, I may be old but I haven’t forgotten what it’s like when you meet someone.” I was shaking my head, my throat dust dry. He went on. “Don’t look so surprised. You’ve been happier lately—and it’s good to see you happy. But,” he raised a finger, “I want to meet this young lady you’re spending so much time with.”
It was like a support beam had been ripped out of place and my world tilted at his words.
“Dad, I don’t know if—”
“It’s not up for discussion,” he said, shoving eggs into his mouth and effectively ending our talk, or lecture, or whatever it had been.
I pushed aside my plate. Eating was the last thing on my mind now. To my relief, Shaun called me and I had an excuse to leave—the table and the house.
“Dude, you look awful.”
“Thanks, Shaun. Tell me what you really think.”
He laughed and patted my back as I stepped inside his house. We went straight for the basement and I was met with a breakfast beer and a video game controller. “Shaun,” I said, breaking open the can of Pabst, “you’re a good man. Have I told you that lately?”
As I sank into the old couch, he chuckled. “A good man about to kick some zombie ass!”
“Call of Duty again?”
He gave me a look like I was whining about being given gold. I shrugged. “I’m not huge into zombies.”
“Yeah, well when the zombie apocalypse comes, I’ll be the one savin’ your butt.”
Groaning, I drank and prepared to deal out death—well, second death?—to a bunch of brain dead maniacs.
It was actually pretty fun. I forgot how invested Shaun got in video games, so just listening to him was pretty damn hilarious—especially when a more of the guys showed up later and Deck decided to deliberately fuck up the game to rile Shaun.
It was good to hang with them. I’d been so wrapped up in Will it had been too long since I’d spent time just shooting the shit with friends.
Although they did ogle every scantily clad female character as we switched through games. Shaun knew I was gay, but the rest of his crew didn’t. After a while my mind went straight back to all the issues building around me by living inside a closet. It was getting claustrophobic.
I wasn’t playing, so I pulled out my phone to see if I’d gotten any messages. Nope. I could text Will. He was probably free now. Though hadn’t I just been thinking I should enjoy just being with my friends? Even if most of them were more Shaun’s friend’s than mine.
“Hey, did you guys hear what happened in California this week?” Deck asked, before taking over the controller from Shaun.
“Another wildfire?” Shaun asked, only half paying attention.
“No, it—Martin, you jackass! You didn’t even give me time to sit down before starting it up?” Martin shrugged unrepentantly.
I wondered if it was too early to leave. Usually we all stayed until sundown and ordered pizza or went to a bar. I didn’t want to do either because…well. I was just antsy. My restlessness didn’t have anything to do with Will.
“See you guys later!” I called, heading to the stairs.
“Hey, man! Wait a sec!” Shaun called, following me up.
He waited until I was pulling my coat on at the door and asked, “You ok, man?”
“You were kind of off in your own world today. And you look like you haven’t slept. Is your dad being an ass again?”
Shaun was one of the few people who I’d told about Dad’s occasional drinking problems.
“No, he’s been ok. He’s just…” I sighed and shrugged.
Shaun shook his head. “Hang in there, man.”
As I walked to my car, I checked my phone again. Nothing. Why didn’t I just called Will? Why was I being all weird about it? But in the back of my brain I knew why: if I contacted Will I’d just do it to distract myself from dealing with my dad.
I didn’t think I was ready for that. Turns out, fate already had plans.
Once again, the second my foot hit the floor inside of my house, I was hit with unpleasantness.
“Oh, Christ. Not this again.”
That was the voice of my dad’s pal Kevin. It wasn’t often that Dad invited anyone over. When he did it was usually one of the guys on the construction crew. Some of them weren’t bad, but Kevin…
“California needs to just break off and sink into the sea already,” he said, shaking his head. My dad chuckled.
“Hey, Dad.” He grunted in reply.
“Hi, Cass.” I nodded at Kevin to be polite. “Kev.”
“Son, grab yourself a beer, we were about to put on a movie when the news came on.”
“Ha-ha!” Kevin cried with a grin, “Prop 8 passed! Maybe California can stay in the union after all.”
“It passed?” I cried, before I could stop myself, staring at the TV. Jesus, it had, and on Tuesday. How the hell had I gone all week not knowing?
“It took long enough,” Kevin huffed.
“I cannot believe this.” Without looking at Kevin, I said, “How can anyone be happy about this?”
Dad looked at me with an arched brow. “It’s a good thing, son. Don’t feel sorry for those queers.”
Oh my god, I could not stay here. Why didn’t I smoke? Then I could say I needed a smoking break and head straight back out the door. What other excuse did I have if I’d just gotten home?
My brain spun, but the best thing I could think of was to mutter. “Gonna eat something,” and head to the kitchen.
I heard Dad and Kevin talking in lowered voices and clenched my fists, taking a deep breath. No doubt they were discussing what a pussy I was. Maybe they’d put on their movie in a minute and I could sneak out the back.
Instead, I heard more mumbling and Kev call out a farewell. I remained hiding in the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets in a search for something to eat, though I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to even think. I wanted to dig a not little hole and burrow until spring.
Footsteps sounded behind me as Dad came into the kitchen. “Kevin left,” he said, as if I didn’t know. “You were a bit rude to him.”
“Excuse me?” What I wanted to say was Are you fucking kidding me? “I didn’t say anything to him!”
“You didn’t have to. You practically ran out of the room, just because he was expressing his views on some fags.”
I froze. Everything changed in that second. I felt it shift as if it was happening outside of myself, as if it was something I had no control over.
“I am one of those fags.”
I thought it would be like pulling teeth to admit I was gay in front of him, but the words fell from my mouth without conscious choice—like a river that had slowly eaten at a damn and one moment broke free. Inevitable.
Then I was back in real time, and my dad was staring at me with a face contorted in confusion, bewilderment, disgust.
Please don’t do this to me! My heart silently pleaded.
“Don’t say such a thing. I know you’re just trying to make a point but—”
“No, Dad. I’m not trying to make a fucking point. I’m gay.”
“Don’t curse.” He rolled back his shoulders and lifted his head, as if straightening every vertebrae in his back would somehow give him power and height enough to make all this go away. “And don’t lie to me.”
“That’s the whole point, Dad! I am finally being honest with you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but…” I spread my hands. What could I say?
“How? How would a son of mine become a fag?” It was his turn to spread his hands and be at a loss for words.
“God, could you stop using the word ‘fag’?” I sank down into one of the chairs, head in my hands. Oh yeah, this was why I hadn’t done this earlier. Fuck.
“That’s what you’re telling me you are, right? If you don’t like the word, maybe you shouldn’t have chosen to be one.”
His words were defensive but there was a tone of exasperation there too. He thought I was simply being “difficult”. I realized then he didn’t have a clue about the sexual spectrum. I was just a kid acting out. Christ, was that better or worse than seriously condemning me?
Eyes staring at the floor, I heard rather than saw him take the chair next to me.
“What’s making you say all like this? Does it have to do with your mom leaving? You’re falling for a girl and you’re scared she’ll leave someday too?” He chuffed. “Swearing off women isn’t going to solve your problems, son.”
Shit, as misdirected as he was, the fact he was still trying to be sympathetic made it that much harder.
“No, Dad. It’s not like that,” I said, keeping my head in my hands.
“Give yourself some time to think about it, Cassidy. I know it might be tough.”
Finally, I righted myself and looked him in the eye. “It’s not like that because there isn’t a girl I’ve been seeing. I’ve been seeing a man.”
That threw him. He sat there gaping, then shook his head. “Ok, so it’s worse than I thought. It’s ok, son. We can still fix this.”
“Christ, Dad. I don’t need to be fixed.”
“It’s times like this you have to trust those who know better. You’re confused. You’re lost. You have to let me help you.”
“Dad, you don’t get it. This isn’t sudden. I grew up knowing I preferred guys.”
“You knew this before you’re mom left?” He asked the question in a very give-me-a-break kind of way, and I had to let out a deep breath before I said something I’d regret.
“Mom leaving has nothing to do with this. Trust me.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t believe that, son.”
Ok, so he was in a state of denial. Fine. “Well, we have very different views on this, then. Why don’t we each give each other some time?”
He nodded and I thought I’d earned a respite.
“All right. Take whatever time you need, but you will be going to church with me every Sunday from here on out. We’ll also have some private bible study.”
“I can’t do that, Dad.”
“You can and you will. It’s not up for negotiation. Think whatever you like, but trust me that I know what’s best for you.”
I was losing patience. “What is it you have in mind? Read and pray over the bible until I’m ‘cured’?”
“If that’s what it takes.”
“This is bullshit,” I muttered as I stood, though I’m sure he heard me anyway. He followed me as I stalked down the hallway to my room and began opening drawers.
“What are you doing?”
“Like hell you are.”
He started shutting my drawers, violently.
“Look, you’re right. Let’s each think what we want to. Whatever, fine! But I’m not living with anyone who thinks me loving someone they don’t like is a sin. Got it?” I don’t think I’d ever yelled at my dad before. Hell, I’d rarely ever spoken back to him. So it took him aback, but he recovered quickly and his face collapsed in a red rage.
“Fine! Go! If you want to be a little faggot go have fun you little shit!”
With that lovely bomb dropped, he spun around and swept out of the room. I heard his feet stomping through the house, then the front door slammed and his truck engine roared to life.
I couldn’t move. My body was stalled between bright anger and the urge to sob. My fists crumpled the shirt still in my hands and I grabbed my duffle, stuffed it with whatever the hell was within reach, and left.
Once I was in the car I paused again. Where the fuck was I going? Will’s? I bit my lip at fought back tears at the thought of running to him and wrapping myself around him. I could bury myself in his arms and maybe everything would seem ok.
But I couldn’t.
I was too raw and I wasn’t ready to unpack what had happened with my dad yet. Will would want to know everything. He’d be justified too, but I couldn’t open myself like that yet. I needed to go somewhere less complicated.
I couldn’t seem to form words. Uncle TJ just hugged me and ushered me inside.
Within minutes I was sitting on his sofa with hot chocolate in my hands, my bag already in his extra room, and TJ sorting through his dvds. Sometimes there was nothing like family.
“I Am Legend?” he suggested.
Shaking my head, I told him, “I’ve had enough zombies for today.”
“Gotcha. How about… Have you seen Hot Fuzz?”
“No, what is it?”
TJ smiled. “It’s hilarious, is what it is! Made by the guy who did Shaun of the Dead. Though no zombies in this one—promise.”
I couldn’t help smiling. With anyone else I would’ve been annoyed to be treated like a kid with the hot cocoa and movie marathon suggestion, but I knew Uncle TJ didn’t think of me that way. So I went with it.
“Should I ask Will to come watch it with us?” He asked casually, but it would hardly be inviting Will to a casual movie night.
TJ sat down on the sofa and shook his head. “Why not?”
All I could do was shrug. How could I explain this? “I can’t… My mind is a mess. I’m a mess—I can’t even think. I need time to decompress. Plus, I don’t want to bring him into all my drama.”
“Cass…” I held up a hand to stay him. “Look, I know. I have to talk to Will. And I will, just…not this second, ok?”
TJ sighed and patted my back. “Whatever you need.”
I knew he wasn’t going to let that rest for long, but at least I could sit back and veg out before I dealt with reality again.
“You’re a good kisser,” Cass murmured against my mouth.
Chuckling, I replied, “I hope so.”
“Trust me, it’s an underrated skill. I’ve been with a lot of guys who were sloppy or just want to skip to other things.” His cheeks flushed. “Not that I mind those other things, but…”
The same guy who could be such a smart ass was actually blushing talking about kisses? That was so damn adorable I wanted to eat him alive.
“I understand.” I moved my lips over his neck. “I like taking my time.”
His breath came in a shutter and I wondered how we’d gotten here—standing in my living room with shirts tossed aside, Cass burrowed into my arms—though we’d hardly rushed it.
We’d been trying to do the responsible thing, after all—and there was a lot working against us. Hell, it felt like the world at large was against us. Prop 8 was even now being pushed to repeal the right of same-sex marriage in California.
Yet even with all that, and despite Cass’ conflicts about lying to his father, he had followed me up to my apartment. I knew I should’ve sent him home, told him he would have to figure out matters with Doug before we could delve any deeper into our relationship. I was the adult here. I knew what needed to happen.
I had led him inside anyway. It might not have been a mature move, but, dammit, I was only human. Now that we’d opened ourselves to the possibility of romance – and sex – it was impossible for me to turn him away. Not after he’d opened up to me. He’d allowed himself such vulnerability and I couldn’t let him go, not yet.
Maybe a part of it was me opening too, allowing someone else in. I’d been closed off for so long. I knew I wouldn’t regret letting him into my apartment, or anywhere else he wanted to go. Tomorrow be damned.
“That feels good,” he said, as I stroked down his back. He was like a cat being pet after a long absence. He was skin hungry. So was I. Every touch of skin-on-skin sent flickers of energy dancing along my nerves—nerves I’d thought dead or at least dormant.
His hands came up to tug at my hair before taking my mouth again. I wasn’t sure which was one of us had the stronger need. Our tongues battled before I let him lead. I barely realized I was guiding him to the bed until we fell onto it. We laughed into one another’s necks and shoved off the rest of our clothes. Totally unfettered, Cass twined himself around me, nuzzling his face against my neck, or into my sparse chest hair, even my armpits. When I started to laugh, he bit my shoulder.
“Little spitfire,” I said with a grin. “Tell me what you’re into.”
He shrugged. “I don’t know…the usual?”
I leaned on one of my elbows next to him, noting the new tension in his body. “Has no one ever asked you that before?”
“No. I mean, they have, but…” He shook his head. “It was usually when they were trying to pick me up, so we wanted to be sure we’d want the same things. With us, well, we’ve hung out a lot. We already know each other. I guess it feels weird to be asked that point blank when we’re already messing around. Can we just go with the flow?”
“Yeah, sure. We should talk about it sometime soon, though.”
Cass nodded, though he didn’t look all that convinced. Talking so baldly about sexual preferences did kind of suck the spark out of the moment, but I’d learned it was a lot healthier to bring the topic up earlier rather than later.
“Tonight…” Cass said, pushing me up until he could sit in my lap, “maybe a little of this.” He shimmied his hips so our naked cocks wrestled together. “And this,” he added, slipping a hand down to curl his long fingers around both our erections. He grinned, a little mischievous, a little smug, and very happy. I grinned back and he swayed his hips into mine. “Ugh, yeah,” I groaned. Of course if I’d been honest, I would’ve given a limb to have his lips wrapped around my cock. But I’d lose myself in the physical if we went that route, and that’s not what I wanted from this. It wasn’t a one-night fuck. This was about connection—about us deepening the one we’d already been making. I wanted us both deep in the present. More than anything, I wanted his eyes on mine when he came, so he’d know he was <i>mine</i>.
The thought almost made me pause; I wasn’t typically possessive. Cass bought it out in me, though, like no one ever had.
Cass kept stroking us together, the hot sensitive skin pressing, sliding…it was heaven. His beautiful eyes were half-lidded and his heavy breathing matched my own. Heat radiated between us, surrounding us in a safe shell of ecstasy.
“Lay down.” With a hand under Cass’ back I leaned him onto the bed. My body was above him, his thighs still spread under me. I slid a hand over his and took hold of my cock. “I’m not going to last long.”
“Me neither,” he gasped out.
As I watched him jack his rod with frantic efficiency, I groaned. “Fuck, Cass. What you do to me.” I felt a surge of desire grip my sac, and my inner axis tipped into point-of-no-return.
“You gonna come on me?”
“Yes.” And no sooner had I said the word than Cass erupted. It was beautiful to see him so overcome: mouth gaping and eyes squeezed shut. He’d come so fast, all I could think was ‘he’s so young’, but as I drank him in, still stroking and milking himself for all he was worth, a ripple of shock went threw me. I came, like a stroke of lightening to my system.
“Oh god!” I shuttered and quaked as stream after stream of cum fell across Cass’ skin, like paint over a pale canvass.
I collapsed next to him, still trembling. After a moment I passed him a few tissues from the box next to my bed.
“Thanks,” he muttered, making a half-hearted attempt to clean himself. I took over and wiped him clean, then dropped kisses along his chest and collarbones.
“Mmm-hmm,” he purred, and I pulled him in, flush with my side. I yanked the sheet out from beneath us and pulled it over us. We stayed there for a while, soaking in each other’s warmth and scent.
“Thanks,” Cass said into the quiet.
“For your orgasm?” I asked with amusement.
“For taking a chance on me. On us.”
I pulled him in tighter, but was stick for words. The way things had progressed, I didn’t feel as if I’d made a conscious choice. It had just…happened.
When I was starting to nod off, I felt Cass shuffle next to me.
“Oh, man. It’s late. I should go.”
“Sorry.” He leaned over to meet my eyes. “I’ll stay over another night. Soon.” He kissed me, slow and thorough. “And we’ll finally get to fuck.”
That broke me into a laugh. “I’m always up for that, but that’s just one thing on the menu.”
Cass frowned. “Dude, it’s the main course.”
I lifted my eyebrows at that; it was good to hear. Over the years I’d come across more than one guy who wasn’t into penetration, but I had to admit it was at the top of my list of favorite things. It was damn good to know Cass and I were on the same page with that, though he hadn’t said if he had a preference for top or bottom. I still couldn’t read him on that. Maybe he was verse?
I angled my head toward his neck and hushed in his ear, “Itadakimasu,” then nipped his throat.
“Ah!” He broke into giggles—yes, a grown man giggling—and it made my whole body warm. “What’s that mean?” he demanded, pushing me away, still smiling.
“It means something like ‘I gratefully accept this meal’ in Japanese.”
“Well, hold that thought for next time.”
Next time he came over I had Alia, though. And the time after that. TJ helped when he could but he had a job with regular hours, while I was riding on passive income through selling prints on my website—until I left for the Philippines in the winter. I’d been in touch with some journalists I’d worked with in the past and the project looked promising. Usually this was the stage in the game I felt a rush of energy and optimism. This time was different. This time I’d be leaving Cass behind.
Right now he was on the living room floor playing with Alia and, by the looks of it, enjoying every minute. I shook my head at the duo and moved to the kitchen to heat up some pierogis for dinner. I’d convinced Alia they were another form of mac ’n cheese, so she loved them.
I loved that Cass could entertain her while I did other things. It was amazing, and gave me a whole new appreciation for single parents like Kate. What the hell did people do if they didn’t have family to help?
“There’s my man,” came Cass’ voice from behind me. His arms wrapped around me from behind as he said, “cookin’ in the kitchen like a good man should.”
Chuckling, I turned around to pull him in. “You like it when I cook?”
“Since I don’t have to? Yeah.”
I granted him a few soft kisses before turning back to the pierogis. “What’s Alia doing out there by herself?”
“She’s got all her stuffed animals gathered for a conference or something.”
We laughed together, and I thought how much I did that lately. I hadn’t realized how somber I’d been before Cass appeared. Now I felt like I laughed all the time. Something between us just vibed at the same frequency. The feeling was new for me.
I’d loved Nate, but this was…different. Things flowed in a way they never had between Nate and me. As I watched Cass give me a wink and walk back out to the living room, I had to take a steadying breath. Leaving him for several months was not going to be easy. I tried not to think about it. Unfortunately, that got harder to do when every day greeted me with a colder slap to the face as I walked out the door. Fall was passing.
I wasn’t alone in my denial of the future, though. Cass hadn’t spoken about his father in weeks. I wasn’t sure if Doug even knew he was hanging with me—and assuming we were friends—or if Cass was telling him he was at Shaun’s or some other friend’s place. We made quite a pair.
Not that I could complain. Over the years I’d become an expert in “living for the moment”, which sounded romantic and exciting. In reality, matters didn’t always work that way. Life moved fast and if you didn’t look ahead, you could get slammed by things you never saw coming. Even little things.
On a particularly crappy, windy Friday, Cass came in straight from work after a eleven hour day.
“I feel like shit,” he said, collapsing on my couch. He looked like shit too, but I was wise enough not to say it. “Everything that could’ve gone wrong did,” he explained, as Alia climbed into his lap.
“Alia, Uncle Cass is tired. Give him some space.”
“No, it’s fine.” He ran a hand over his face, streaking it with dirt.
“What didn’t?” he said with a rueful laugh. “The wrong sheet rock came in, but no one realized it until it’d been used on half the eastern wall. The new foreman—a total asshole—gave us like five fucking minutes for lunch and then proceeded to spend the afternoon talking shit about his cousin’s kid who, in his words, is ‘a cock-sucking queer’.” Cass shook his head. He looked exhausted, body and soul. I wanted to find this foreman and smash his face in. In the wake of my anger, all I wanted to do was hold Cass in my arms and keep him safe from all the homophobic asses in the world.
How the hell could he continue his construction work if he came out? I was all for fighting the good fight, but he didn’t like his work even without all the shit talk.
“You need a beer?”
He nodded as he watched Alia tracing the Carhartt tag on his jacket. I got up, but he stopped me. “Make that an Irish coffee.”
“Yeah? The caffeine might keep you up.”
Cass shrugged. “It’ll help get my head out of this fog I’m in, though.”
“Okay.” I patted his shoulder and was going to lean in for a kiss, but his attention was all on Alia. It was rare I found solace in a kid’s company, but I knew others did, and I was glad Alia could help ease Cass’ tension when he’d come over like this after a rough day. But…
Was it unfair that I wanted Cass all to myself? Was it stupid to be kind of jealous of a toddler? Yeah, it was. Didn’t mean it wasn’t true, though.
With a sigh at my own lameness I stirred the whiskey into Cass’ cup and brought it out to him, only to find him snoring on the sofa. His arm was draped over Alia, who had passed out against him. They were damn cute together.
I grabbed a short glass of whiskey for myself and sat down next to them. I’d have to move Alia to bed eventually but there wasn’t any rush. I watched Cass’ chest rise and fall with my niece’s little head bobbing with the movement. It was a quiet, sweet moment and something unfamiliar welled inside me as I took it in.
The way we were all sitting there it seemed like we were, well, a little family. Which was something I hadn’t ever aimed for or even imagined for myself. I wasn’t sure I’d want that. Even if I did, god only knew how many other things I had going on at the moment.
I drank my whiskey and heard Scarlett O’Hara’s voice from Gone With the Wind in the back of my mind: “I can’t think about that right now. If I do I’ll go crazy… I’ll think about that tomorrow.”
Not the wisest of strategies, but I’d take it for now.
I watched a smile break over Will’s face and we kissed and rubbed our scruff against one another’s cheeks, laughing. It was damn nice, so of course it couldn’t last.
“Crap. Is it really almost noon?” I asked, glancing at my watch. The watch given to me by my Dad on my last birthday. Fuck, I really didn’t want to think about him right now. I also had to get my boxers off before they permanently stuck to me.
“I’ll drive you to Lance’s to get your car,” Will said, not missing a beat.
Lance’s own car wasn’t outside his place when Will dropped me off. Not exactly a surprise. “I’ll text you later,” I told Will, dropping my head through his open window for a quick kiss before I crossed the street to my own car.
“Hey!” he shouted through his window as I put my key in the lock. “Why don’t we come to the city next weekend? Together. We can do whatever.”
I stepped up to the open window again and grinned at him. “Are you asking me out on a date?”
“Please don’t call me old-fashioned,” he groaned, “but yes.”
“Text me when and where daddy-o,” I teased.
“Oh god, don’t call me daddy! And the 50’s was, surprisingly, before my time!”
We chuckled together, I gave him another kiss, and we parted. I grinned like an idiot the whole way home. Fuck, I think I may have even whistled when I walked through the front door—which was a habit from my Dad. One I swore to myself I’d never pick up. But at the moment? Didn’t care so much.
“Hey, Cass!” my Dad called from the kitchen. “Just in time for lunch. Don’t know how you always do that!”
I laughed and helped him make up a couple BLTs. I didn’t usually allow myself chips, but I snagged the bag before sitting down to join him at the table.
After a few minutes, I noticed he was watching me. “What?”
He gave a knowing grin and asked, “What did she look like?”
“Oh…” Shit. I really didn’t want to fabricate a whole story, but what could I say? He wasn’t wrong that I’d hooked up with someone, but it sure as hell hadn’t been a chick. “I didn’t really… Things didn’t go the way I planned so just crashed at a friend’s place.”
He didn’t miss a beat. “This the same girl you were fussing over before?”
“Last time we went our for pizza, when you claimed you weren’t checking your cell a hundred times a minute.”
God, this was bad. I hated that even the most subtle lies were growing by the minute. This wasn’t fair to either of us. Or Will, for that matter.
I couldn’t say it now, though. So I laughed and shook my head.
Dad patted my shoulder. “You’ll get her next time,” he said, picking up his empty plate and rising from the table.
How much longer could I do this?
Thankfully the week went on without issue. We were busy working overtime so Dad and I didn’t do much talking. I went out to Shaun’s on Thursday night, and it felt good to just veg out and have some beers. Though I had to admit, it felt like something was missing. Shaun was totally open-minded and comfortable with the fact I was gay, but that didn’t mean we could bond over me crushing on a guy or my issues about coming out. I tried calling Lance, but he pretty much responded to everything with, “Did you fuck yet?” Plus, they both were tired of me hemming and hawing over being in the closet.
Finally, after the slow crawl of the week, Saturday arrived. I headed over to Will’s later in the day, after being a dumbass and “primping” myself with a shower and shave and, lord help me, cologne.
“Hot date?” Dad asked as I was walking out the door.
“Huh?” I must’ve looked like a deer in headlights. He chuckled from his place on the couch.
“You look good. Go get her, son!”
With a laugh, I left, now feeling like utter shit. I didn’t know when I would tell him the truth, but it was going to be soon, ‘cause the lies were just going to start piling up. That, of course, would make it all worse, in the end.
I was damn relieved to finally reach Will’s door. Tonight I could just enjoy being out with him, enjoy being us.
“Ready or not, here I come!” I called as I turned my lock in the key and opened the door.
Only it wasn’t Will’s face that greeted me. It was Uncle TJ.
“Oh, hey Uncle TJ. I was just… I mean—”
Will stepped out of his room then and I had to stop myself from openly ogling him. How could a guy make something like everyday jeans look so damn sexy? “Hey, Cass!” he said with a smile. He didn’t look troubled, so that was a good sign, but I wasn’t sure where things stood with us and Uncle TJ. It was one thing to know you’re nephew was gay and other to know he was dating your close friend.
“So, uh, what are you guys up to?” I asked them. Yeah, it was awkward.
“It’s ok, I told him we, umm, hang out,” Will said, moving beside me.
“That we’re friends, you mean?”
TJ snorted. “Neither of you can lie for shit. I’ve got eyes, I know you’re more than ‘friends’.”
I opened my mouth but I didn’t know what to say.
“And I know you have a date, so I’ll make myself scarce.” TJ stood and I just knew he was going to deliver me some kind of advice or warning, from that look. Instead, he patted my shoulder and said, “If Will steps out of line, ever, tell me.” He was looking at Will. “I’ll deal with him.”
That made me laugh so hard it almost hurt—half of it was probably from relief. “I don’t think you need to protect my virtue, Uncle TJ.”
He shrugged and Will shook his head at him. “I’m watchin’ you,” TJ said pointing to his eyes then Will’s, before he left.
“Don’t I get a kiss first?” I teased, lifting up on my toes.
I got a peck on the cheek and he held the door for me. “This way, Princess.”
Not funny. “Seriously? Gonna gender-shame me? And that’s it?”
“I’ve got plans for us, come on.” Then he turned with a grin and walked out. I guess I had to follow him, the ass. Though, as I walked behind him, I had to admit it was a pretty nice ass.
“What are you chuckling about back there?”
“Just keep walking, daddy-o.”
Will lead us to his car, but I shook my head. “We’re taking mine.”
“What? There’s nothing wrong with ol’ Betsy here!”
I scoffed. “She’s got to be, what? Ten, fifteen years old? And her paint’s peeling.”
Shaking his head, Will patted Betsy’s hood. “He doesn’t mean to be rude, girl.” I laughed. I guess he had a right to be possessive of his car. She’d been bouncing between Kate and him for heaven only knew how long.
“Hey, I’m not bad-mouthing her, much. I’d prefer to take my Honda, though.”
“That means you’d have to drive, but I’m the one that knows where we’re going.”
Folding my arms, I raised an eyebrow. “Does that mean you can’t let someone else take the lead? No good as a navigator?”
He kept a straight face, but I knew he’d only just barely kept from rolling his eyes. “By all means, lead the way!”
I nodded and we stepped over to my car, where I held open the door for him.
“Such a gentleman,” he chuckled. Once I got into the car, he gave me a stern look. “Don’t think that being sweet is gonna make me put out, though.”
“No, I’m confident you’re horny enough that you’ll put out either way.”
He burst out laughing and we were on our way.
“Dinner and a movie? Really?” I asked when he told me his plans for us. “We going to the soda fountain too, daddy-o?”
He smirked. “You’ll see.”
Like most places around Chicago, it took about an hour to get there, especially as it was on the northside. Will said when he’d lived out West people had complained about twenty minute drives to get places.
“Yep. An hour is unheard of. Though, unlike here, if you go an hour inland from the water, the climate is totally different. Places change faster.”
I shrugged. “Don’t make excuses, they’re soft!”
He shook his head with a laugh. Whatever it might be like in other places, I didn’t mind the so-called long drives around Chicago. For one, it gave us time to chat in the car. If there’d been traffic, that would’ve been different, but it was an off time of day (the late-night crowd hadn’t rolled in yet), so I was able to drive on autopilot. Which meant I could ask the one question burning my brain.
“So, how much does Uncle TJ know about us? He didn’t look surprised that I just let myself into your place with my own key—and he knew we were going out for our date night.”
Will sighed. Was I not going to like this? “He was giving me warnings from the get-go, but we were only friends then. I don’t think he believed me when I told him it would stay that way.”
“Well, it didn’t.”
“No, it didn’t. So when he came by today and asked me what I was up to tonight, I told him.”
I knew that wasn’t unreasonable. Uncle TJ knowing about us wasn’t really a problem either, but… “I wish we’d discussed who we were going to tell, before that.”
Will nodded. “I know. I’m sorry.”
I let that sit in the air for while, then asked, “He was ok with it, though?”
“Yeah. I think he’s worried about our age difference, but he’s ok.”
“He’s got to watch out for his darling nephew,” Will said with a cheeky grin.
“You’re damn lucky I’m driving, or I’d deal with that smirk of yours.”
“Later,” he said with promise. “It’s good you have him to look out for you, though.”
“I know. He’s… well, he’s the one who had the real “talk” with me, when I was growing up.”
“What do you mean?”
With a shrug, I told him, “Dad gave me all the typical talks about sex and women and commitment and marriage. Uncle TJ just tossed me a package of condoms and told me to be damn sure to use them, no matter what sex my partner was. That was before I came out. After, he talked to me more about practical issues, like STDs and discrimination and all that. The useful stuff.”
“I’m glad you had him,” Will said, hand on my knee.
Not long after our heart-to-heart, Will directed me to the highway exit and I realized we were headed to the Vic Theater. “Are we going to a concert?”
He shook his head. “Nope, better. Tonight it’s the Brew ‘n View. The first Indiana Jones is playing.”
“Cool, I’ve never been there before.”
“Really? The best of a bar and movie theater rolled into one? You’ve been missing out.” After we managed to find a parking space, we walked together to the Vic, and I found myself wondering if it would be ok to hold his hand. Not that Will would mind, but we weren’t in Boys Town now. God, it sucked that something so small could actually be unsafe.
Will didn’t seem to be overthinking anything though. He held the door out for me again, and I punched him in the chest as he laughed.
It was a good night, though. Not sure how it could’ve been bad, considering I had good company, cheap beer, and a classic movie. When we left, I had a nice buzz going, and we headed to Nisei Lounge, on my recommendation.
“How did you know I love dive bars?” Will asked with a wink. We found seats and clicked glasses, then chatted about how the week had been. All the while, though, I was thinking about what it must be like for Will—someone who’d been out for so long—to be on a date with someone who’d never stepped out of the closet.
“What is it?” he asked after a while.
“You seem kind of distracted.”
“I’m sorry. Just thinking…”
“About?” He prompted as he sipped his lager; I sipped my water as he grinned. My hesitancy amused him, apparently.
“I don’t know. Does it…bother you that I’m not out? Since it means we can’t really be “out” together, you know?”
His eyebrows rose. “You certainly seemed “out” at the club last weekend.”
“That’s Boys Town, it’s different.”
Will shrugged. “I’ll be the first to say that everyone should be themselves and embrace who they really are, but a nice, clean line between being “in” or “out”,” he waved a hand, “it’s not always that simple.”
“So, I don’t have to come out to my Dad?” I tried.
He chortled. “I didn’t say that. All I’m saying is, it’s not an ideal world, you have to pick your battles. Though some battles, well, they choose you.”
Spreading his hands, Will replied, “Some situations are tolerable, others…they eat at your soul. At that point, it becomes less about choosing to fight, and more about choosing to, well, live I guess.” He cringed. “That wasn’t supposed to sound so cheesy.”
I shook my head. “No, I understand. That point might be sooner rather than later for me, actually.”
“I hate lying to my Dad.”
“I’m sorry you’ve had to. He’s pretty bad, huh? Too bad he isn’t more like TJ.”
“He used to be, but he’s gotten more and more conservative since my Mom left.”
Will laid his hand over mine. I changed the subject.
But when I pulled up to Will’s apartment complex later, the topic was still stuck in my head—much as I tried to ignore it.
“Shall I walk you to your door?” I teased.
“Behind me again, so you can check out my ass?”
I gasped dramatically, pressing a hand to my chest. “I’m shocked! As if I would do such a thing!” But I couldn’t keep a straight face.
Will took my chin in hand and gave me a slow kiss. “I think I can forgive you, if you kiss it better next time.”
“Next time? No time like the present!”
“You’re not expected back?”
A heavy, deep sigh left me. “Probably.” I could always lie to my Dad. Again. A strong hand brushed my jaw.
“Talk to me, Cass.”
I couldn’t right away, though. It took me a little while before I was able to ask, “You know where Dad took me to for my twenty-first birthday?”
“A strip club.” I blew out another breath. “I was going come out to him before that, because even if I wasn’t gay, I don’t think that would be my scene.” I chewed my lip, then stopped myself.
“What do you think? I chickened out and just went with some of his buddies to the strip club.”
“His friends, not yours? Was TJ there?”
“Yeah, his friends—celebrating my becoming a man or something. TJ had some excuse.” Somehow I forced myself to keep going. “It was the most uncomfortable night of my life. God, it was awful!” My head fell into my hands; I could barely stand thinking about it. “Dad knew some of the strippers there—or I guess, they knew him—because he goes so damn often. And then I realized I knew one of the strippers.”
When I met Will’s eyes, I could see questions there, but he didn’t interrupt.
“She went to my college. She’d been in some of my classes. Christ.” I shut my eyes against the memory. “She knew I was gay, for god’s sake! When she saw me, we both kind of stared, but we kept up the charade.” I felt my throat tighten as Will gazed at me. “I was so ashamed. My Dad kept egging me on to shove money down her G-string and try to smack her ass.”
I didn’t think talking about this would be so hard. It felt like I was breaking apart, but Will took me in his arms and held me together while my tears came down.
“This is ridiculous!” I said, sniffling between words. “You can talk about almost killing yourself without losing it and here I am crying like a girl over going to a stupid strip club!”
“Hey,” he said. Moving back to put a hand to my face, he lifted my chin so I had to meet his eyes. “First off, it’s not ridiculous. I went through a depression partly because I was trying to hide who I was. It was the same for you. Having to ignore or bury who we really are, it’s damaging. No matter how or where.”
I nodded and he wiped my cheeks. “And second,” Will went on, “I don’t think girls cry over going to strip clubs.”
“Huh?” Then it clicked and I burst out laughing, tears still in my eyes. “Your weird,” I told him, but pushed myself deeper into his arms.
Lips slipped over mine. A hard dick behind rough denim rubbed against my thigh…and fuck did it feel amazing! My eyes trailed up tight, rippled abs, a throat slick with sweat, and a face that…crap, I couldn’t quite make out. Then the whole picture began to recede. No, no! My mind groped to stay beneath the edge of waking. I knew it was a dream and I damn well wanted to stay there!
I blinked up at an unfamiliar ceiling and cursed. “Ugh! Fuck!” I had a hard-on now and even with a foggy head and sticky mouth, I remembered enough to know I was in Will’s friend’s bedroom, and it probably wasn’t good form to jerk-off over the guy’s sheets.
Fuck it, I thought, shoving back the covers. I’ll be careful. There was a bathroom connected to this room, anyway. With that in mind, I pulled my cock out and started to pump, trying to recapture the feeling of the dream.
Then my fucking phone buzzed. I just wanted a few minutes to finish things off with my dream dude before facing the day! But my erection lost its fervor as the phone kept buzzing.
Griping, I grabbed my phone off the bedside table. Christ, don’t let it be Dad! When I saw it was Uncle TJ, I answered out of pure relief.
“Hey, kid. Just making sure you’re doing ok this morning. Will told me he was going to talk to you this weekend so…”
He did? Had we talked last night? Sort of… “Yeah, yeah, we talked,” I mumbled. Honestly, I just wanted to get off the phone and get back to jerking off or get coffee, STAT. My stomach was pissed at me for drinking last night and my head wasn’t too pleased with me either.
“Good, I’m glad,” he said. I was only half-listening. “I’m sorry it took him so long, but you have to understand, it was a really rough time for him. Dunno if he said, but he and Nate were talking about getting back together just before the accident…”
Wait, what? My mind might be hazy and hungover, but I think I would’ve remembered if Will had mentioned any of this. “Accident?”
TJ sighed. “Nate was in the hospital three days before he died. It nearly took the life out of Will, too. So, don’t be too tough on him about not explaining before—“
“Uh, yeah, I gotta go, Uncle TJ.” And I clicked off. Then turned my phone to silent.
What. The. Fuck?
My brain was trying to process everything as I made my way out to the kitchen. I could hear and smell cooking going on; Will was in front of the stove in an apron. “Like it?” Will chuckled. “I actually made eggs for us! How about— Hey, what’s wrong?”
He’d stopped the second he saw my face, and the way he looked at me—the compassion there, the warmth of his hand on my cheek—it ripped me between anger and frustration and hurt. I pulled his hand away and somehow met his eyes.
“Nate is dead?”
The way the color drained from his face was answer enough. “How—?” He stopped himself, mumbling something like, “Doesn’t matter right now.” Facing me head-on, he said, “I wanted to talk to you about that last night…”
“And what about the night before that? And the night before that?”
“I swear. Ask TJ.” He frowned. “Though I guess he was the one who must have told you.” He fisted his hands. “How early does that guy get up in the damn morning?”
“Yeah, it’s his fault.” It was also past ten am already. Whatever.
I stalked away, looking out the floor to ceiling windows. It was a gorgeous, clear day; the view of the Lake was amazing. And it was damn unfortunate that we had our own little storm brewing in this plush ass condo on a day this beautiful.
The sunlight didn’t warm me, and though I wanted to wrap my anger around myself in silence, I wasn’t much good at keeping my mouth shut. “So first the Photo Society, and now this?” God, he’d kept so much from me. “You’re good at keeping secrets, huh? Fucking earn an Oscar with how good you are.”
“Look, I wasn’t trying to be deceitful, I’ve been working though a lot of shit.”
“Fine. I’ll let you do that then,” I snapped.
“Where are you going?”
“Home. I’ll get a cab to Lance’s and pick up my car.” As I started to dial I began a rant under my breath. I couldn’t help it, verbal babble was what happened when I was this overwhelmed and pissed off. “Don’t know why we even took his car to the damn club and not a taxi. Oh, that’s right,” I groaned, throwing my hands up, “he sometimes likes to have sex in his car. I’m such a pushover!”
“You had sex in his car!”
Will’s look of horror was almost enough to break through my rage and make me laugh—but not quite. I rolled my eyes. “He likes to have his car for potential tricks! Not me, alright? Fuck, no one’s picking up!” I clicked off, made sure I had my wallet, and stomped toward the door—but my anger got the better of me.
Spinning around, I had to throw back at him, “It’s not like it would matter if it was me fucking him! Because you know what? We’re not together, remember? You’ve been so big on keeping us friends! Until you actually see me out enjoying myself, right?”
He sucked in a breath. I could see him trying to tamp his own anger down—but fuck that. I was done with all reasonable conversation. We were going to get all our shit aired out, no matter how much it stank!
“No reply? Hit too close to the mark?” I was being a shit and taking pride in it.
“You’re trying to bait me, and you sound like a brat.”
“Well, I am just a ‘kid’, right?”
“You’re sure as hell acting like one right now!”
“Fine! I’m a brat and you’re a dick. Are we good?” As I heard my own voice echo in the lofty apartment, all our snipping and screaming suddenly struck me as stupidly ridiculous. I tugged my hair and broke into a laugh.
Shaking his head, Will looked at me like I’d lost it—I probably had—and his scowl broke into a wry grin.
“So we’re both fuck-ups, huh?” He sighed. Rubbing his head, Will moved back toward the open kitchen. “We need some coffee. Can we have coffee and talk?”
I did fucking need coffee. “Yeah.” He rummaged through his friend’s cabinets and I flopped onto the sofa to try and think…but I couldn’t help watching him, and it was distracting. He must have had a change of clothes because under that damn apron he was wearing sweatpants and well, shit, I’d never seen an ass look that good in sweats. And with that thought all I could remember was dancing with Will the night before; the way his eyes darkened with want, the way he took my hips like he owned them.
Holding in a groan, I rubbed my eyes and tried to focus. Why did everything have to get so complicated? If it could just be Will and me in a world away from relatives and the past and… yeah, and the sky was rainbows and I shat gold.
“Fuck,” I heard myself say aloud.
“Here.” The sound of a mug on the coffee table next to me was just about the only thing that could’ve gotten me to sit up and face the world then.
“Thanks,” I said, wrapping my hands around the mug and sipping. “Ah, there is light in the world again.”
Will chuckled. “A man after my own heart.”
Silence stretched out as we sipped.
“So,” Will echoed.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
There was a long sigh before he spoke, and even though I could see it was hard for him, I was going to push this. He wasn’t getting out of it. Finally he said, “It’s only been a couple years since…since he died.”
“A couple years sounds like a pretty long time.”
“Maybe on your timeline. Not mine. And…”
Will ran a hand through his disheveled hair. “I had so many regrets. Ones I can’t do jack shit about now.”
I let that sit out in the air for a minute before I said, “I think that means you have to let it go.” God, this could’ve been me talking to my old man. I never understood how he could cling for so fucking long to the pain of Mom leaving. It corroded inside him, sapped his energy and slanted all his visions of the future. There was no way I was letting that happen to Will—no matter how pissed at him I might be.
“Yeah,” Will said, exhaling. “It’s harder than I thought it would be.”
Getting up, I moved to sit by him. “What happened? Tell me.”
With a snort, he asked, “You really want to hear all this shit?”
“Yes.” I looked at him point blank and didn’t let him break eye contact. He hadn’t expected me to be so forthright. Or pushy. Well, deal with it. I wasn’t going anywhere.
Turning his gaze to the window, Will shrugged. “I never lied to you. We broke up, and for all the reasons I already said. But then…”
“You got back together?”
“No. We just…started talking about it. I wasn’t sure I could change.”
“You don’t give yourself much credit do you?”
His eyes found mine. “I wasn’t sure I wanted to change.”
“Oh.” Yeah, that was different.
“And then,” Will spread his hands, “he was gone. Fucking texting driver. Good thing I wasn’t there and never met them. Think it was some teenager, but I still would have pounded them into the ground.”
That was some pretty fresh anger to hold onto for years. “So, he’s gone, but I’m not wrong. You’re still holding onto him.”
Wiping his face, Will shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“I do,” I said, and I think I surprised him. “I see it in my Dad’s face every time he’s thinking about my Mom. You let something like that get its hooks in you and you’ll just sink, year after year.” Then I frowned. “And it’ll destroy things, the way you’re letting it get between us now.”
“Wait a minute,” he said, and he didn’t raise his voice, but I could hear the aggravation in it. “I wasn’t the one who stormed out the other night, before I could even explain.”
“Touché.” Letting out a sigh, I pressed my lips together and shrugged. “I’m listening now, though.”
“You are,” he replied, and I almost got a smile.
“So,” I pushed again, “talk.”
Will spread his hands. “I just did. You know everything now.”
“I know about the past. What about the present? I mean…” Why was this so stupid hard? “We’ve been stuck on ‘friendship’ for a while, but I think we both know we’re past that. Are you…ready for that?”
Giving a mirthless chuckle, he shook his head. “I feel like that should’ve been my line. You’re young; you could do whatever you like. I’ve got, well, baggage. You sure you want to give it a try with this old man?”
“Nice way to side-step the issue. I’m getting tired of telling you not to call yourself that too.”
“Old habits die hard,” he joked, but I could see the weight of his uncertainty in his eyes.
“You really think I’m so shallow that age is going to matter to me? Or your past?”
“Don’t spin this around. We both need to know where the other stands. I do have baggage, and it already made you up and run once.”
I set down my cooling coffee and pulled my legs up onto to sofa to face him better. “Fine. I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t have run off. And you should’ve been upfront with me about your past earlier. Agreed?’
Good, he looked chagrined. “Agreed,” he said.
“Ok, now let’s put that behind and deal with the now.”
“Wait, who was that friend of yours from last night?”
“What?” I snapped, frowning. “Nice non-sequitur. I thought we were seriously going to talk?”
Will fidgeted with a loose thread on the sofa. “We are talking, and I want to clear out the rest of these, uh, background questions first.”
Huh. “You’re the jealous type, eh?” His brow wrinkled when I laughed. Frankly, considering the sad state of my social life, it was damn amusing that he’d actually think he had anything to fret over. “Fair enough,” I said, calming my laughter.
“Lance and I went to high school together. We weren’t really friends then, though. Acquaintances, I guess. Then after…what? Freshman or sophomore year of college I was home and I’d heard he came out. I ran into him somewhere and said we should hang out.” I shrugged. We’d connected by being just about the only openly gay guys we’d known in town—and even though that had changed over the last few years, we still shared a kind of solidarity. “We’ve always been just friends, though.”
Will made a grunt at that but didn’t pursue it. I had to wonder what Lance might have told him the night before, when I’d been tanked. We had always been friends; it’d never even crossed into friends with benefits. But, ok, we’d experimented together a bit. That didn’t warrant discussion, or jealously, so I didn’t feel bad leaving it out.
“Lance is out, yeah? And your dad is ok with you hanging out with a guy who’s out?”
I let out a breath and grabbed the coffee again for a quick refresher. “He doesn’t know I hang out with him.”
“And where did he think you were last night—or this morning?”
“He knows I was out clubbing, he just doesn’t know where. He doesn’t mind letting me have my nights out ‘cause he thinks it’s good for a guy to, I don’t know, ‘sow his oats’ or something before he settles down.”
When Will made a little frown, I almost leaned in to kiss it away, but I didn’t want to interrupt.
“I’m not trying to push you by saying this, but your dad is going to find out eventually. It’ll be better if it comes from you.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m…working on it.” It was my turn to find the sofa interesting. Then I took a breath. “Have we covered the questions? ‘Cause we haven’t really addressed,” I motioned between us, “this. We’re not just friends anymore, right?”
It kind of pissed me off that he paused before giving a, “Yes.”
“You’re thinking too damn much,” I told him.
Will shrugged. “I don’t know what my own future holds, so I’m not sure it’s right for me to get involved with anyone right now.”
I locked on his eyes, waited a beat, and told him, “Too late, sweetheart.”
That made him chuckle and shake his head ruefully. “Alright, alright! You’ve been warned and are a fully functioning adult and aware of your own choices. Let’s give this a shot.”
We both smiled from across the cushion between us, but it was genuinely weird to have such a cut-and-dry discussion about the simple fact we were going to date rather than be just friends.
“Ok, so we move this thing forward.” Finally. Although, I couldn’t help adding, “What now?”
Will’s reply was quick and clear—his hand slid around the base of my neck, pulled me gently in, and his mouth took mine. “Oh, fuck yes!” I grunted into his lips. As fast as I could move on the squeaky sofa (why does leather have to be so goddamn loud? How is that sexy?), I had my arms and legs around him and was pulling him atop me.
“Yesss!” I breathed. What was it about having a man’s heavy weight over you? It was so comforting and thrilling…and so fucking hot. Somehow it also made it more real that this was finally Will settling his weight between my legs.
“How did we wait this long?” Will muttered between claiming my mouth.
“Dunno,” I managed, nipping his neck and sucking at his skin like my life depended on it. “Now stop talking!” I ordered, thrusting my hard groin against his.
To my aggravation, he started chuckling over my mouth. “What the hell? Kiss me, you idiot!” I told him.
“Sorry!” he said, trying to get control of himself. “All you could do was moan about how good it was, then you’re telling me to shut up, and…” he broke down again, “it just…it’s fucking cute and hilarious!”
I rolled my eyes and smacked his arm, but I couldn’t keep from smiling. After all the heaviness of the morning, it was like we’d found a release valve and were giddy from it. Pushing him away, I titled my head then shook it. “Changed my mind,” I said and started to rise.
“Oh. No you don’t!” Will laughed with me as he caught my wrist and pulled me back down, straddling my thighs.
“Ya big bully!” I said with a mock-pout.
“Uh-huh.” He leaned down and took my lip into his mouth, sucking. His hands framed my hips and all my laughter transformed into need in a second. Yeah, it had taken way, way too long to get here, and now that we were, it felt like winning a prize—or maybe feeling the sun on your face after months of grey and cold. Only a hell of a lot sexier.
I would’ve chuckled at my ridiculous thoughts, but Will’s hips came down to pin mine right then, and all I could do was feel. Every bare touch to my arms or waist blazed a trail of fire and need.
Will gave muffled groans into my mouth, but he didn’t seem to be a talker. That was ok. I could go either way with dirty talk. I mean, it was fun, but I’d been with some guys who made it so dramatic and cheesy I’d literally laughed in their face. Which kind of broke the mood, to say the least.
I didn’t mind Will’s quietness as long as he kept touching me. “Yeah, there!” I gasped as he grazed his erection over mine through our pants. Definitely a thousand times better than a dream! “More!” I demanded, clawing my blunt nails down his back. I had no issue asking for what I wanted, and I was reaching my destination fast.
Will grunted and rocked his weight harder into me. I gasped in reaction like a plundered virgin, which I hadn’t been in years. But it was so good—more than good—and it had me on the brink.
“W-Will! Shit! I’m gonna—“
“Do it,” he rasped in my ear, and after all his collected quite, the deep, raw need in his words set my body loose.
“Ahhh!” My back arched off the sofa to slam into his hard chest as I soaked my boxers. For a moment I was so high I thought I might never make landfall again. But slowly, slowly, I came back down to earth. Will had squeezed in along my side, and was tracing circles over my belly, where my shirt at rumpled up.
“I guess I’m going commando today.”
Will’s eyes crinkled in the corners as we laughed.
“Hey, wait,” I said as Cass pulled me out the back door, “I came here with someone.”
He looked up at me and blinked. “With someone?” He brow wrinkled together. “Who’s ‘someone’?”
Oh, yes, he did not like that idea. I had to suppress a grin that I wasn’t the only one who was feeling jealous tonight.
“A friend,” I assured him.
“He can wait,” Cass said, pulling me with him toward one of the standing patio tables at the back that was empty. I almost moved to set my beer on the table (or glorified railing-turned-table really), then remembered I’d left my drink with Tony.
Cass took a sip of his own drink then set it down, eying me. It took me a moment to remember my shirt was hanging open, and I quickly moved to button up. “Oh, leave it!” Cass said with a half-laugh half-snort. “Open or closed I know what you’re packing.” It was true, but it felt odd just the same—he wasn’t the only one taking in an eyeful and I wasn’t used to the attention. Within a moment the sexy atmosphere from the dance floor had detoured into awkwardness.
Cass stared at his cosmo or whatever it was. “I’m still mad at you.”
Right. I wasn’t sure if I was annoyed or impressed that he could collect his thoughts right now. But in any case, “We should talk.”
“Maybe somewhere less,” I waved a hand, “chaotic.”
He gave a brief “hmm,” then took another gulp, setting down his now-empty glass.
“You’re drinking a lot for the guy who was supposed to be the designated driver,” I remarked, then winced at how paternal I sounded.
Cass just shrugged. “All I need is one strong drink at the start of the night and then I chase it with a lot of water—and dancing—and I’m good to drive home by the time the bars close up.”
“That’s your first drink tonight?” I held up my hands when he glared. “Sorry.” I was definitely past the age where I could (or wanted) to go out dancing til dawn and then drive my ass back home rather than collapse.
He must’ve read my expression as he asked with a grin, “And you? You’re drinking too I assume. Who’s your designated driver?”
“I took a cab from another friend’s place. He lives in the city and goes out of town a lot, so I house sit some weekends and it works out for us both.”
His eyes widened, briefly, and I realized what I’d just said. We were out, away from our responsibilities, and now I’d just told him there was an empty, private apartment available to us, all night. Christ.
“We could talk there,” Cass suggested.
Oh, yes, we could talk, and do a lot more. But the talk had to come first, and I wasn’t sure it would happen in that order.
When I hesitated, Cass grabbed my hand, “More dancing first.”
I pulled back. “Why’d we come out if you just wanted to keep dancing?”
He shrugged again and I could see the agitation inside him he was trying to hide. “Like you said, it’s not really the place for it and…” he sighed, “maybe I deserve a night to not think or be practical. That’s why I came out with Lance. But then you were here…” His head flopped back with a groan. “So we should do the reasonable thing, but I don’t really want to discuss why things won’t work out with us. I’d rather have a little fun first. For once.”
How was I supposed to argue with that? Did it matter if we talked about our heavy issues tonight or tomorrow? At the same time, I knew I was making excuses. Then Cass tugged me again and I went. I wouldn’t let anything go too far, not until I told him everything like I’d promised TJ, but I could let us enjoy the moment before then.
When we got back to the dance floor, Tony was talking up a twink at the bar and Lance joined us, which helped keep Cass and I from humping each other. And I had to admit, it was fun. I remembered when I used to go clubbing—how much I used to love the music vibrating through my chest, the energy of everyone around me. The sweaty, sexy bodies all packed in. Though if Cass hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have stayed out on that floor very long. I didn’t have the same energy in my thirties (as cliché as that was), but seeing him let loose and be so in the moment, well, that made it amazing. Dancing with him in my arms occasionally didn’t hurt either. And, ok, Lance was kind of hilarious, so I could see why Cass liked him.
Though the little bastard did like grazing up against Cass and grinning at me, just to get a reaction. Cass always managed to catch him in the act, and since Cass looked pleased at my possessiveness, I couldn’t stay mad. Considering we had moved to a different level in our relationship—even with a conflict between us—things probably shouldn’t have felt so damn good or easy. But they did.
After an hour or two, however, I’d reached my limit—and so had Cass. His one drink limit had been passed a couple times over. I’d kept the waters coming, but he was starting to sway a bit too much on the dance floor. Tony had left earlier with a “companion” (as he preferred to call his one night stands), so at least I didn’t have to worry about him.
“He can’t hold his alcohol, can he?” I asked Lance as we tried to make our way toward the doors, steadying Cass between us.
Lance smiled as he steered an oblivious Cass around a barstool. “He usually knows his limits and sticks to them. Tonight,” he said, eying me warily, “he had things on his mind.”
“Need to pee!” Cass said, suddenly rushing to the bathroom. Lance and I followed, and I made damn sure Cass took an empty stall instead of a urinal where we was going to be assessed by whomever came in and out.
“You’re protective of him,” Lance said after the stall door shut. “That’s good.”
“So are you.” He shrugged. And because he was definitely a no-bullshit kinda kid, I went ahead and asked, “Have you two fucked?”
His eyes went wide. Was that not kosher to ask? Then he burst out laughing. “No, dude. We aren’t compatible that way.”
Something eased inside me, then he had to add, “We explored a bit, fingered each other and stuff to see what the whole prostate hubbub was about, but fucked? Hah!”
He clamped me on the shoulder. “Down boy,” he said with amusement as Cass stepped out of the stall.
As we headed back toward the doors, I asked, “So where to now? Are you ok to drive or should I call you guys a cab?”
Since we were on a busy street, it didn’t take long. Which I was damn thankful for considering Cass had decided to lean up against me and doze. He felt so right with his head resting on my shoulder, but it was stirring things up inside me and the evidence was going to begin to show at any moment if we stayed that way.
The cab stopped and Cass tripped himself inside. I climbed in to make sure he was settled, then heard the door shut behind me.
“Have a good night!” Lance said through the open window. “Take care of our boy.”
“What? Get in here, you’re taking him home!”
He stuck by the door and didn’t budge. “Nope. I know you two have stuff to work out and tonight’s been fun but you need to talk to him.” He eyed me with too much knowing. “He’s been a mess all day. Deal with it.”
With a sigh I fell back in the seat. Lance gave a cheerful, “Night, night!” and the cab pulled away. He was right, of course, and I wanted to strangle him.
I gave the address of Tim’s place off the Golden Mile downtown and though the cabbie didn’t say a word, his glance back at me was inquisitive. It was rough times for most people since the housing market crash and I didn’t blame the guy for giving me a look. I’d known Tim since before he’d made his money and I knew most of it came from sound investing and supporting programs that helped a lot of the communities I photographed. He was one of the good guys. A shame so many people with wealth only thought about themselves. It gave a bad name to the others who actually gave a damn.
When we arrived I made sure to tip the driver well and guided a sleepy Cass inside to the elevator.
“Where are we?”
“Heading to my friend Tim’s place.”
He looked out the glass windows as we rode up. The view of the lake was pretty spectacular. Cass’ eyebrows rose higher as we went. “This is, uh, swank.”
I chuckled as the elevator chimed.
“Where’s Lance?” he asked as I punched in the security code to the apartment.
“Good question. Still at the club I guess. He made sure we got a cab ok then went off.”
“Hope he’s ok.”
I opened the door and told him, “He hadn’t had much to drink—unlike yourself.” I chuckled. “So he should be fine.”
Cass shook his head; he seemed to be sobering up a bit. “He takes too many chances. I don’t like to leave him alone.”
“I’m guessing he goes out on his own a lot when you’re not visiting, though?”
“Yeah.” Cass gave a pout and drifted around the apartment, gliding his hand over the smooth black leather of the furniture, and the plush white carpet under his feet. (When had he taken off his shoes?) “Mmm, feels nice.” He made a little humming sound and grinned. Then again, maybe not so sober.
“These are pretty nice digs. Who is this guy…to you?”
“A friend and a colleague of sorts. He started a company that works to connect corporations looking to invest with NGOs and social programs that need support. Sometimes he uses my photography for presentations to get the investors interest for less documented programs.”
“That was a lot of words,” Cass said.
“You asked,” I retorted with a smile.
He sat on the edge of one of the sofa’s backs and tilted his head as he looked at me. “You were pretty sexy tonight.”
And that was the cue to get him to bed. To sleep.
“Come on, Cassanova. I’ll show you to the guest room.”
“Bedroom? You read my mind.” He grinned and pushed off the sofa toward me.
“You need to sleep it off, Cass.”
“There’s other ways to work the alcohol out of my system.” He stepped closer.
God, this had to be the worst timing in the world. The hardest thing was not knowing how much of this was honestly Cass and how much was horniness exacerbated by vodka.
“Will,” he tossed back with a mocking chuckle. He moved in to kiss me and as hard as it was (and I do mean hard), I put a hand out to stop him. He looked down at my fingers on his chest with a frown.
“If this is going to happen, it’s not going to be like this,” I told him.
“Because we’ve been drinking, for one. I’d like us to both be cleared-headed if we’re going to move this thing between us forward.”
“You’re scared,” he snapped in a way that was so unlike him I knew for certain this wasn’t the right time.
“Maybe, but,” I slipped my hand around the back of his neck and brought him close, until his chin brushed my shoulder, “I want our first time to be when we're sober, and when I can have you spread out on my own bed, to take my time with you.”
I didn’t mention that even if we were sober, there may or may not be lube and condoms for us to snag here. Cass was a smart kid, I doubt he’d have been up for barebacking, so the issue of safe sex would’ve hit him at some point—but it was something that never left my mind. Maybe it was a marker of my age; I still remembered things like the AIDS quilt, and the days when a positive HIV test was a death sentence. Not that I was old enough to be sexually active during that time, but it left a damn deep imprint all the same.
“We still need to talk too, before anything else. And that will require a clear head too. And coffee.”
Cass grumbled, but nodded. I felt him take a breath and pull back—then he leaned back in and put his lips over mine.
It was a sweet, soft kiss. He didn’t try to deepen it, and we stayed locked in the lovely moment, simply savoring the connection, until he released me with a grin.
I smiled back and chuckled softly. “Take care of yourself and get some rest.”
Cass snorted and gave a little wave as I pointed him towards the bedroom.
I gave the kid a hell of a lot of credit. He was young: ready and willing and hard. Yet he’d known better than to push, or maybe he remembered he was still mad at me.
I watched him go with an ache of need growing in my chest, but I savored it. We’d crossed a border—the pretense of friendship had fallen away and the wait and anticipation of what came next would be frustrating, exciting, and… I needed to get some sleep. There was a lot we had to wade through before then.
I flopped onto the couch and flipped off my shoes. Tomorrow would come soon enough.
“You were totally right! I needed this!” I half-shouted at Lance against the pumping house music inside the club.
“I’m too polite to say I-told-you-so,” he replied with a grin, sipping his pink cosmo.
“No, you’re not!”
He laughed. “You’re right! I told you so!”
It had been the perfect thing to do tonight. After dealing with Will the evening before, I needed to let loose, and Lance—always open and always himself—was the perfect person to be around. With him, there weren’t any hidden emotions or motivations or skeletons in his closet. Hell, no. Once he was out of the closet he never looked back and never held anything in.
Maybe that made him sound a bit crazy—maybe he was. But he was genuine, always himself, and he was a damn loyal friend. And he could dance like a motherfucker! I laughed and watched him sway his hips and throw his arms up, totally absorbed by the music and the epitome of ‘dance like no one’s watching’.
Damn, how I needed this! I plucked my drink from a side table to take a sip, then chased it with water (I knew if I didn’t rehydrate I was going to regret it, the drinks at Ross’ were strong). I grabbed his hips playfully to move against him, and he grinned. We danced a few songs together, luring others on the dance floor between us, before pulling away to take a breather.
Without asking, we both headed for the back door to the porch to douse ourselves in the cool air.
“Whew!” I sighed, wiping the sweat off my face. “It’s been too long! I forgot how damn hot it gets in there.”
“You can always take your shirt off,” he said with a wink, before fishing his cigarettes from his pocket.
“I can’t believe you still smoke!”
“I can’t believe you haven’t brought Will up even once yet,” he smirked as he lit the cig and puffed out a cloud. “Aren’t you guys living together?”
He knew damn well we weren’t. “Ha. Ha. You’re so funny.”
Chuckling, he shrugged. “Trouble in paradise?”
“We’re not even dating.”
“So says the guy who waits around to kiss his honey welcome home.”
I rolled my eyes. I never should’ve told Lance that Will had given me his key. Or that I went over there more often than I should. Or that we’d kiss occasionally.
Folding my arms, I leaned against the cold brick of the building behind me. “Still doesn’t mean we’re dating. Do I have to go through the whole thing about him still being hung up on his ex?”
“No! You gave me more than enough details on the drive here.” He softened his words with a smile. “But I know when you are gone on someone. Why else would his ex matter to you?”
“Because even as just his friend, I’m concerned that he’s carrying too much baggage about the past.”
“Not your job to fix him, though.”
“I can worry. I can want to help.”
Lance just shrugged and inhaled more smoke. “What do you really want to happen with him, Cass?”
I knew that tone, he wasn’t going to let this go. Even here, at the back of a Boys Town club where most of the other patrons were in dark corners making out or openly groping each other.
“I don’t know.”
I sighed. “I can’t have what I want. He’s not ready and I don’t know if he ever will be.”
“Does that mean you’ve laid your cards out on the table and he told you to fold? Or are you still keeping them against your chest?”
I smirked. “Your poker metaphors suck.”
“You know what I mean, smartass!”
“I haven’t been that direct…but he knows.”
“Be direct and then tell me what he does.”
“Lance,” I said, shaking my head.
“Cass.” He stubbed out his cigarette. “Come on, more dancing!”
That sounded fine to me—much preferred over talking about Will. A Lady Gaga song came on and Lance lit up like a Christmas tree. “Gotta dance on a platform for my Lady!”
I snorted, which was lost in the pumping bass of the music, and let Lance tug me up onto the packed platform. We gripped each other and laughed as we played up our ridiculous sexy dancing. Someone tried to get up onto the platform near us and I accidentally tipped him back.
“Ah! Sorry, man! Let me help you.” I took his hand and helped pull him onto the already crowded platform. My eyes glanced out over the gyrating bodies below and guys at the bar. Then my jaw dropped.
“Holy shit. I don’t believe it.”
“What?” Lance asked.
“Who? Heath Ledger? ‘Cause otherwise don’t stop dancing!”
“No way!” Lance started turning his head like a lifeguard scanning a beach. “Where? I want to see this prince of yours.”
“I’m mad at him, remember?”
“Uh-huh. So which one is he?”
“At the bar. Plaid shirt.”
Lance looked like he’d eaten something rotten. “Plaid? Seriously? In Boys Town?”
“He doesn’t wear it a lot, ok? And what does that matter?” I retorted.
Lance knew better. “Means he didn’t come to dance, which sucks.” Then his eyes lit up, as he grabbed me by the waist. “Let’s see if we can lure him out!”
“You have to tell him.”
“I know.” TJ wasn’t telling me anything I hadn’t already screamed at myself a hundred times. “He ran out the door, I didn’t have a chance.”
I didn’t mention that I had handled it all wrong. Yesterday had, quite literally, been a shit day, and then I’d had to add to it to make it truly craptacular.
“I don’t know why you waited so long. I told you it was only going to get harder.”
“TJ, you are not helping,” I said in an act of iron-willed restraint, when I really wanted to tell him to take his obvious advice and shove it up his--
“I’m sorry. I don’t like to see you, or Cass, hurting.” He patted my shoulder. “And I just get pissed when everyone doesn’t realize I’m right in the first place.”
He was teasing now, knowing it would make me smile, which I reluctantly did.
“I think I scared him too.” I spread my hands. “Telling him about the Society offer, and about how I used to live my life—basically saying if I take this opportunity then he has to come in second. I wanted to discuss it with him, dammit. I just…”
“It was a bad day. It happens.”
I expelled a long breath. “Yeah. What do I do now?”
“Tell him. Everything.”
“I will, tonight.”
But it hadn’t worked out that way. For starters, I couldn’t get a hold of Cass. The kid didn’t answer his phone and it wasn’t as if I could stop by where he lived to see if he was home. So I made my own plans.
I was restless and tired of thinking, so I drove into the city. I needed a night off, a night out of the region. Thankfully a buddy of mine was free, so we were able to meet up for drinks—even if it was in a loud, overcrowded club filled with twinks.
Not that I minded a little eye candy, but I hated having to shout over loud music. Still, it felt good to be out.
“How long’s it been?” Tony asked as our beers were set in front of us. How he’d managed to score stools at the bar I didn’t know—and knew better than to ask.
“Too long!” I said with a grin, taking a long draw of the lager.
“I heard you moved back, but then I still didn’t see you around.”
“Moved back to northwest Indiana to be with my sister, who had a kid…unexpectedly.”
“Ahh.” His brows rose and he gave a nod. Tony was a good guy, but he was a partier and after his family disowned him as a teen, he never looked back. Finding a good partner probably would’ve done him good after so many years alone, but he’d had no luck. Maybe it was because he spent his time in joints like this, scoping for twinks.
“So you came back from globe trekking to play house?”
I snorted. “I have my own place and my own plans, but shit man, she needs some help.”
He nodded and drank, and I changed the subject. It became clear very quickly, however, that this wasn’t my scene—if it ever had been. I wasn’t exactly a homebody, but the lights and bass and chaos just…didn’t do it for me. And visions of where I’d rather be kept plaguing me.
When had been the last time I’d really spent time with my camera? Fuck. It used to be that I didn’t feel whole unless I took some kind of shots every damn day. With all the craziness with Katie, it just hadn’t happened. In months. No wonder I was cranky.
Then, of course, there was Cass. I’d never wanted to do portraits before, but wanted to capture him on film sometime. Since I’d met him, things had been easier. Life had flowed a little better, I’d breathed a little easier. Until I started feeling trapped. Not by him, really, but by the situation.
I took a long drag on my drink, reminding myself that I’d come out to forget about all that.
“You’re missing the show,” Tony whispered/yelled in my ear over the music.
He pointed out toward the dance floor, which was in full view from our seats. It was boxed in with bodies, half of them with their shirts off. I had to admit, it was a pretty spectacular display. There were also platforms bordering the floor that were packed with sweaty, proud dancers.
“Not bad, eh?” Tony chuckled. “I’ve got my eye on…that one.” He pointed to a flamboyant, lanky otter on one of the platforms, grinding away with a very nice looking, muscular—“Oh, hell.”
“See something you like, huh?”
My mouth opened, but I couldn’t form words. I didn’t know what blindsided me more, that Cass was out partying it up, or that some other guy was fucking partying up on his body.
The song changed and I watched as Cass hopped down and then helped the little shit with him to follow.
“I’ll be back,” I tossed to Tony, practically jumping off my stool.
So, apparently Cass was so heart-broken about our argument that he found someone the next damn night to ease his pain? I was not letting them slip off together. Fuck that.
As I wiggled through the mass of bodies, my rational mind tugged at my anger. You’re not together, remember? I unclenched my fists and tried to think as I caught sight of him. Unfortunately all thought flew from me as I took in his tight jeans, tighter shirt, and flushed face. God, I wanted to eat him alive.
Our eyes met and I was at a loss for words. I could see the my heat reflected in his eyes, but there was uncertainty too. We hadn’t left things well the night before and I knew he must have a ton of questions—and I owed him a hell of a lot of answers. But just then, away from normal life and daily demands, I knew we wanted the same thing: to be in this moment and enjoy it to the fullest, together.
Bodies bounced around us and we started getting dirty looks as we stood stalled in place and getting in the way of their grinding. Then the damn otter showed up next to us. The bastard grinned at me and slipped an arm around Cass’ waist. He closed the distance between us. “You gonna gawk at us or dance?” As he spoke, he moved behind Cass and caressed his hands over his hips as he set their bodies moving to the deep, bass beat. I could feel my blood rise at the sight of any hands other than my own touching Cass, and if I’d had a clear shot to his face I would’ve been tempted to punch his damn lights out. How dare this guy touch Cass that way! And how dare Cass just stand there and let him?
Without conscious thought I stepped into Cass’ space and pressed up against him. I couldn’t not touch him. Hell, it was all I could do not to yank him out of the club that second and find somewhere close and private to claim him in every way I hadn’t yet allowed myself before.
Cass slipped his arms about my neck and my vision narrowed down to only him. I tugged him closer by his belt loops. In seconds our bodies molded tight and perfect into one another,
Good god, it was amazing. Cass’ arms kept me close as he sucked in his breath. We’d worked so hard for so long to keep things light between us that it was only now, in this moment, that we truly acknowledged the attraction between us. And fuck if it wasn’t like opening a floodgate.
Had I been mad before? I couldn’t remember anything other than the way Cass was moving under my hands. Looking over his shoulder, I saw that the other kid had disappeared. Good.
I wasn’t holding back anymore. Screw moving slow. Screw trying to act like there wasn’t something strong and real and electric between us. Cass felt like heaven. I was through denying myself this.
He looked up at me with glassy eyes and moved to straddle one of my thighs, grinding into me. Hard. My hands found their way under his shirt, gliding up his ribs as we humped on the dance floor. I felt him groan more than heard it, and he leaned back, letting my arms take his weight as he bent his head back and practically presented himself to me. He was the hottest thing I’d ever seen.
I swayed his body, digging my fingers about his hipbones to steady him as his head nearly reached the floor. Then he righted himself and I had to briefly release him to force a few buttons open on my shirt. What had I been thinking wearing fucking flannel? Though I could hardly regret it, as Cass shoved my hands away and made quick work of the rest of the buttons, then let his hands rove. Hot fingertips brushed up my chest before his arms wrapped around my waist and he brought us flush against one another, groin to shoulder. I could feel his heavy breathing. Our eyes locked, and I knew if I didn’t taste him right then I was going to lose my mind.
With the music vibrating through me like a live wire, I leaned down, fascinated by Cass’ full, parted lips.
“Hey, Cass! You forgot your drink! Oh—Sorry!”
That damn otter! My only consolation at being interrupted was the death glare Cass gave the guy as he snatched his drink from him. “Thanks,” Cass said with heavy sarcasm. “You can go now.”
Rather than looking chastised, the other kid was amused. Cass must have felt the growl rumbling through my throat, as he patted my chest the way one humors an over-protective dog.
“Introduce me and I will,” the otter said, undeterred. Cass rolled his eyes and nodded at him, eyes on me. “Will this is Lance. Lance, Will.”
“Good to put a body to the face—I mean, a face to the name,” Lance said, his “mistake” anything but.
“Oh, come on,” Lance said chuckling. “I’m harmless.” He eyed us and then added, “By the way, don’t forget, you were going to drive us home.”
Us? There was an “us” with them? I growled again and Cass rubbed my back indulgently. Then he smirked, “Unlike myself, you live in the city. You can cab it.”
“And leave my car here?”
Cass shrugged, looking unrepentant. I didn’t mind their banter, as I still held Cass’ hips pressed against me. I could’ve stood there half the night. The other half I could think of a few other things to do, though…
“Or you could have someone else drive you or stay the night at their place,” Cass offered Lance with a knowing grin.
“No. That was one time.”
“And us coming here has nothing to do with the fact that it’s one of Dain’s favorite haunts.”
It was Lance’s turn to roll his eyes. “Don’t be a bitch, Cassidy.”
“Ugh, don’t call me Cassidy!”
“Fine, I’ll go,” he said, pointing a finger, “but you owe me.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Cass muttered. Lance kissed him on the cheek and a dark spike of anger shot through me.
“Now get back to your boy, er, man,” Lance quipped. “He looks about ready to bite a head off before mating.”
Before Cass could get in another word, Lance slipped away through the crowd.
“Let’s get some air,” Cass said. Taking my hand, he pulled me outside.
“Damn wind,” I muttered, shutting the door behind me and turning to see Alia and TJ watching me. He was helping me sit tonight since we’d had plans to hang out before Kate reminded me I was booked for babysitting duty (it was an added bonus that he was up for sitting her at his place). “What?” I asked as I set the paper bags down on the coffee table and TJ scowled.
“Language,” he retorted.
“What? Oh, come on! She’s not even two, she’s not repeating everything I say.”
He shook his head, “She will soon enough.”
Rolling my eyes, I broke open one of the bags and grinned at Alia. “Look what I got us for dinner!” Her eyes lit up at the sight of fried chicken. Not the Southern kind, but the Chinese variety, with sauce on the side as I wasn’t sure she’d be up for that. But some form of chicken nuggets and rice? Easy win with a toddler.
“Chinese again?” TJ asked. He wasn’t complaining, just looked skeptical. It’s possible that in the past I may have been a bit of an ethic food snob and put my nose up at the local Americanized Chinese take-out joints.
“It’s good, right?”
Grabbing plates from his kitchen, TJ gave a shrug as he set them down. “True. How’d you discover this place?”
I mumbled and earned a “What was that?” from TJ.
“It’s one of Cass’ favorites.”
He gave me a look, but Alia’s cries for food thankfully detoured his argument. Assuming he was about to start one.
As I tucked in, I had to admit he’d been fairly decent about the Cass issue in the last couple weeks, maybe because we were still (mostly) in the friend zone. It probably didn’t hurt that I’d also was a better mood than I’d been in a long ass time. There wasn’t any question that TJ had noticed.
“Alia,” he scoffed, “you’re making a mess!”
That she was; she’d dragged a container of rice to her and was trying to shove the sticky stuff into her mouth, with marginal success. I smiled; it wasn’t my house or carpet and TJ had been the one to offer to have us over.
“Don’t look so smug,” he said, trying to wipe her hands as she growled. (Literally—who knew kids actually growled?) “You’re helping me clean this. Go get a wet towel!”
I chuckled and obeyed. TJ made me promise to bring a high chair or booster seat or something if Alia was brought over for another meal, which I was more than happy to agree to. Any help watching Alia was amazing, and less clean up for me? Hell yeah.
Truth be told, I’d been surprised TJ was so willing, but hey, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, right?
“Well, she got some food inside her,” TJ said with a defeated exhale as Alia went running off to wreak havoc with the box of toys set on the couch. It was funny to see what a struggle it was just for her to climb onto the couch itself.
“You have to help me baby proof this place.”
“Really?” I blinked. “You have most things out of harm’s way. How often do you actually plan to sit her?”
He shrugged and moved to his lazy boy while I stayed on the floor. “Don’t know, but better to have things set up and not have to think about it or rush around ‘proofing’ everything if I do, right?”
“Yeah.” Though I wasn’t quite convinced that was all there was to it. TJ was like family to me, and Kate by extension, so he did what he could for us when we needed it, but I hoped he didn’t feel obligated to fill a ‘father figure’ role for Alia. I mean, I was around, would be around for… well, I wasn’t sure.
“Did you reply to the Photo Society yet?”
God damn, everyone talked about how wonderful it was when people knew you well, but it could be a huge pain in the ass too—because there’s no hiding anything from them.
“I accepted. Not like I could seriously turn down membership. But that doesn’t mean I’m not still free to do whatever type of photography I like. Something different maybe.”
His eyes narrowed. “Yeah, sure. You spent months working on a portfolio review of the plight of the homeless with some the best photographers in the world, have honed your skills over a decade—“
“Not quite that—”
“Whatever you’ve been through you’ve always gone into the field to shoot. For a decade,” he said. “And now that you are finally going to be a member of an elite class of the best in your profession, you’re going to, what? Decline the invite and start shooting weddings?”
“I think that’s being dramatic. And I said I accepted—did you miss that? Alia, stop that!” I yanked at the toys she’d been stuffing down the back of the couch and, predictably, she wailed like I’d just kicked a puppy. Christ. “Alia, you can still play with your toys! Just don’t put them where—can you STOP screaming?!”
I heard TJ huff at my own raised voice as he moved across the room to grab my niece and lift her in his arms. She kicked around at first but he hushed and rocked her and she clung to him and stared daggers at me. Just great.
“Good to know she likes one of us.”
TJ ignored me. “Anyway, what’s your plan? You don’t want to keep doing what you’re doing?”
“No, that’s— I already have a flight booked for the Philippines in six weeks or so. But…”
“But?” His voice was muffled as Alia’s little hands pressed against his mouth and played with his lips.
“I don’t know. With Alia around and Kate depending on me more, maybe I shouldn’t leave so much or put myself in risky situations. I could find a different angle and work more in the States.”
“True.” He was waggling his eyebrows and half-listening now as Alia chuckled. But he turned to me to ask, “And your family, that’s the only reason you’d want to make this change?”
I opened and shut my mouth, then spread my hands. “I can’t say. I don’t think there’s anything else that’s…solid enough to bank on or change for.”
TJ set Alia back down—or tried. She screamed so he picked her up again and settled back on the couch with her in his lap. “Have you mentioned any of this to Cass?”
“No.” At his look I threw my hands up. “Why would I? We’re trying to be friends, remember? It would be different if we were together, but we’re not. And frankly the kid has enough to think about right now.”
TJ sighed. “I wish he’d just come out. Things can’t stay this way; it’s not healthy.”
“He has to decide on a career too.” I ran a hand through my hair and saw TJ mirror it as he shook his head.
“This is why I didn’t want you two messing around. People should be in a good, stable place if they start seeing someone seriously and, no offense, but neither of you are there.”
I looked down at my hands, picking at a loose piece of carpet. “I was a mess when I met Nate, and that actually helped me.”
“Yes, but he was in a good place. I don’t know…”
“TJ, I don’t know what you want from me. I’m trying to respect your wishes, not push Cass into anything, respect the fact he’s living in the closet, not get too close—and now you’re saying I’m not taking things with him serious enough because I’m not consulting him about my future? Give me a break here!”
He flopped back on the couch and fished Alia’s pacifier out of his pocket when she began to whine.
“This thing between you and Cass, whatever it is, I think it’s too late to try and keep your distance.”
“What does that mean?”
“I think…maybe you two have to face what’s between you and talk frankly about it. Because no matter what I or anyone else thinks, there’s definitely something there. Maybe I was wrong to ask you to ignore it.”
“Now you say this?” I grumbled.
“I know,” he said with a laugh at the irony, “but, be honest, you two haven’t exactly been acting like brothers.”
I couldn’t hide my smirk. “Maybe not—but I haven’t let it go too far either.”
He nodded, and patted Alia where she’d started dozing on his chest.
“You know you’re not going to be able to move now without waking her?”
I smiled. “Language!”
TJ put the TV on low and was still dozing with Alia on him when Kate came by to pick her up. Somehow she stayed asleep while moving her to the car (small miracles!) and I gave Kate a hug good night before walking home. I had a light jacket on, though it almost wasn’t enough with the weather shifting across the thermostat every day. The change of seasons was always crazy unpredictable.
I barely noticed the chill in the air as I walked, though—there was too much on my mind. Just ‘friends’ or not, I needed to talk with Cass about my plans, and I wasn’t looking forward to it. With so much up in the air for him, the last thing I wanted to do was add one more variable, one more ball to juggle.
I loved my work. Loved that when I really dug my heels in, it felt like I could make a difference with my photos. I’d captured some amazing moments. It took patience to get to know a community and build trust, as I was often seeking to know what was happening to people behind the scenes or on the fringes in a society. It also meant dealing with crap weather, squalid conditions, and food poisoning. But I wasn’t the one dealing with those conditions every day, and it was all worth it when it came together.
Not that it always did, but the gamble and sacrifice were worth it. Well, I’d always thought they were. I don’t think I ever realized quite how much Nate had to sacrifice in turn. I could be gone weeks at a time, I missed weddings and birthdays. Nate had rolled with it, at least at first. He knew it was my passion and saw how much it was a part of my life, so he’d never asked me to change things. Thinking back, maybe he should have. Because it had cost both of us, in the end.
My feet ended up at my front door and I had to berate myself for falling into such a morose mood. It probably wasn’t going to help me make any decisions. Turning the knob, which was left unlocked, I opened my door and had to grin.
Cass sat on the living room floor, face fixed to the TV screen, deep into whatever game he’d brought over. Did I mention I’d given him a key to my place at some point? He’d mentioned how confining his own house felt sometimes so it had just felt natural. And I couldn’t say it wasn’t nice to come home to someone when he dropped in.
“Greet you in a sec. Gotta kill zombies right now.”
I snorted and grabbed a beer from the fridge. By the time I sat down on the couch, Cass was spouting obscenities at the screen. He dropped the controller and sat next to me, giving me a quick kiss.
“How was your night?”
“Alia not cooperating?” he chuckled.
“Does she ever?”
“Aw, what a put-upon uncle you are!” he said, squishing my face.
He was in such a good mood; I hated to spoil it. I moved his hands away. “What about you?”
“Other than zombie-killing?” he sighed and flopped on back onto the couch. “Got online to pointlessly research careers.”
“Careers such as…?”
“Carpenter, lawyer, dog-walker. The usual.”
I snorted. “That right?”
“I even looked into photography.”
He played with the loop on my jeans. “Maybe. You’ve never said what kind of photography you do. I’ve seen some of the pictures you’ve framed around here but,” he waved his hand at the apartment, “I can tell that those were just for fun.”
“I see,” I said with a smile, brushing my fingers through his hair. It was nice to have this casual touching between us, the ease of conversation on nights like this. It was so nice in fact that I wasn’t paying enough attention to where his questions were leading.
“Will,” he said, sitting up and locking on my eyes, “tell me about your photography. Show me your work. I don’t know why you haven’t yet.”
I groaned and rested my head back on the couch. “Can we do it when I haven’t been dealing with Alia and I’m not so tired?”
“Most people like to talk about what they do for a living, you know.”
With a mirthless chuckle, I told him, “Most people don’t have to deal with poop under their fingernails.”
“I went to check Alia’s diaper and realized, ‘Oh, yes there is poo, and I just put my fingers in it.’”
Cass was trying not to laugh. “Yeah, I’ve done that before with my little cousins.”
Scrubbing my hands over my face I said, “I know it should be funny, but it doesn’t seem that way right now.” I lifted my head and shook it. “What is it someone said about comedy? Time plus pain equals humor? Maybe I just need more time.”
Cass squeezed my knee. “What else is it? What’s up?”
“I just…” I spread his hands. “This isn’t where I thought I’d be. I’m glad I’m able to help Katie, but this really wasn’t the plan.”
“What are you trying to say? What was the plan?”
“It wasn’t being back here. In this town. Not on a regular basis.” I withheld a sigh at the look on Cass’ face, “The town gets small, right?”
“I know.” He paused, a determined look on his face. “This indecision wouldn’t have anything to do with this would it?” Cass asked, pulling a letter out from the couch cushions. “What’s The Photo Society?”
“Hey! What are you doing with that?” I reached for it but Cass snatched it away.
“What is it?”
Letting out the sigh I told him, “Just what it sounds like. It’s a society for a specialized group of photographers, usually those who bridge into photojournalism.”
“You forgot to say it was damn prestigious and invitation only.” He winked.
“Evidently you already know something about it.”
“The wonders of Google!”
“Why did you ask then?”
“Because I wanted you to tell me.” Then added under his breath, “Wondered if you would tell me.”
“Am I that secretive?”
He looked at me then, and his eyes searching mine seemed to delve deeper than I was comfortable with.
“You don’t appear to be at first, but yeah, you are.”
“Want to tell me why you think that?”
Cass waved the letter in my face. “This would be a start.” I swatted at the letter as he added, “The travel plans you never mentioned might be another.”
How the hell…? Cass must have read my face because he sighed and said, “I borrowed your computer to get online and you’d left the ticket confirmation up. I wasn’t spying, so don’t look at me like that.”
I wasn’t quite sure what to think at this point. Obviously I trusted Cass or he wouldn’t have my key, and these were things I should talk to him about even if he hadn’t brought them up—things I meant to talk to him about—but… it still struck me as intrusive.
I watched as Will tried to gather himself, fighting off his temper, or trying not to put up his defenses. Even though I knew I was pushing him, I’d waited for answers long enough. If we were going to move forward—and let’s face it, we already were—these things had to be dealt with.
Will swept a hand through his hair, not speaking at first.
“Fine. I’ve been accepted into The Photo Society.” He said finally. “It’s a pretty generic sounding name, but it's a very elite group—many of the photographers work with National Geographic.”
Holy shit. “That’s huge! I want to say congratulations, but you don’t look as if this is good news.”
He frowned down at the letter in my hands. “I know it is, but…” He rubbed a hand over his face. I wanted so badly to help him, but I had no idea what he was so conflicted over. And he seemed a bit—distant.
“It’s a different kind of life, if I start down that path. I mean, seriously start down it,” he said. “My main aim has always been documenting the homeless in foreign countries—trying to see how different cultures deal with the issue and the people. You really have to earn trust and it makes it easy to get attached to people. I do what I can to shed light on the problem but it’s damn exhausting. Christ, I’ve gotten to know the insides of hospitals sometimes better than people, between food poisoning and infections, but,” he shook his head, not looking at me, eyes far off, “it has been incredibly rewarding. And I thought… I always thought that it was what I was meant to do.” Running fingers through his hair again, he let out a huff of breath, and I just let him continue. “To do that kind of work, it has to be your top priority, everything else is second.” Watching him hunch over, head in his hands, I began to get a bad feeling skittering across my shoulders. I wasn’t going to like where this was going.
“Nate, he…understood that.” Will shook his head. “But I think it’s part of the reason we grew apart, over time. And then when Kate got pregnant, I dropped everything to support her.”
Oh god, his voice was shaking. Why didn’t I feel like I could touch him? It was like his past with Nate was an invisible barrier between us.
“I think that was when Nate realized I’d never done that for him. Never dropped everything to be with him; never put him first. He’d never asked but, still, it was there. He knew…” his voice choked, “I couldn’t love him enough.”
Two thoughts slammed into my mind almost in the same instant—that Will shouldn’t blame himself for this, when he was just doing his job, and, a split second after, that Will was crying over losing this guy. Still torn up over the loss two years later.
“You’re still in love with him.”
“What?” Will looked up at me with his tear-streaked face and I almost reached for him then, almost wrapped myself around him and begged for him to put his past aside, but of course it wasn’t all in the past, was it? I didn’t know where Nate was now, but there was always a chance of a reunion. Even if there wasn’t, I couldn’t bare to get attached to someone whose own heart was still taken by someone else. And as much as I told myself I didn’t, couldn’t, have feelings for Will, it didn’t matter. Even if I didn’t now, I would if we were given time.
And that made a new fear curl deep in my belly. I couldn’t bring myself to examine the depth of it. I couldn’t process it all.
“Where are you going? Cass!”
“I’ll talk to you later. I just…I have to go right now.”
“Cass, wait, please!”
But I was already out the door.